2 months from a quarter century

This doesnt freak me out, really. I mean - it is only 60 days prior and I am planning it out already. Really.... no thoughts here about the big 2-5, turning 1/2 of 50, or entering the mid-upper 20'd segment of the population. I do like even numbers so I am a little hesitant to let go of the double dozen but I can deal with it. Besides, this year's motto: 2005:My Year to Thrive proved only to jinx me. Being the optimist I am and more so having an eternal perscpective does comfort me though as I look back at this year. But let's face it - 2005 was not the year to thrive which makes me think 2-5 is just that: the year to Thrive and come alive (I actually took a dive in the first part of '05)! I guess I did set myself up for a flop when I put some pretty big expectations on the year back in January.
All in all, I know this was the most trying year of the past 24. I refused that this would happen to me because I tend to think that I defy norms and rules but eveyrone warned me that entering the 25th year through your 30's is just tough. They all said your body changes and moves to undesirable places and you question everything you have ever done, where you are going and how you have gotten where you are so far. I really refuse to give into this. I have always seemed to be a step ahead of the crowd so I think I have already gone through this ( you know, back when I was 11). More so, I think since I have pretty much had it together for a while that none of this worldly - quarter century stuff would hit me.
I am such the optimist.
But it has happened. Not to the extreme because ultimately I know where I am going, not exactly, but I know God will take me there and that puts away all questions of where I am going.
On a grander scale though, it has been the year of the question we all seem to ask but never seem to adventure out on to find the answer: 'What on earth am I supposed to be doing to fullfill my purpose?'
I'll be completely honest here as long as you are honest with yourself too. I have thougt that I will figure this stuff out in the next stage of life. You know, when I am wed to another or retired or something more. But until then - I seem to be wondering about aimlessly collecting all the things that I will put together when I get there, wherever 'there' is.

Thank you, God, really for such a harsh and crucial awakening lately. The moments are passing me by and life is going by while I am collecting all of the things that I want to do or get together for when the time comes....and again, not so sure what 'time' I am referring to.

It is so easy for our generation, unlike generations of the past, to really desire to be in our 'sweet spot.' You talk to my mom and dad - great people but they didnt seem to get too caught up in wondering and analyzing if they were in God's will. They just went with it. On the other hand though, they all seemed to work really hard to get where they are. The tragic part of the Generation X'ers is we think things should be apparent, clear, and should be given to us. Everything else in this world has been made available with the touch of a key or the swipe of a card. Nothing necessarily warrants the delay of gratification that I think molded and shaped older generations.
So we walk around wanting and wanting to do something bigger and more valuable but we dont really embrace the idea that it might take some work and sacrifice to get there.

Things are easy in my world - I am not sure about yours. Being single, fairly succesful in Atlanta may be lonely at times but it is all too easy. I don't necessarily think that we have to make things hard but I do think we have to give ourselves boundaries. Boundaries in relationships, in budgeting and mostly, in accomplishing all the world has for us to accomplish in only the first 30 years of life. Okay, so this may sound counter intuituive because on the other hand of that I preach that we should embrace life and jump on anything and everything that we can get a hold of. At times I admire the position of someone dying with cancer. I have seen that their perspective is fresh and energetic. They know that tomorrow could be the last and therefore they jump on opportunities to seize each moment. Dont get me wrong - I am all about this more than most people I know. Point is this: we have to experience things, real life things - sadness, loneliness, struggle, triumph, love, despair and genuine hope in order to know more about who God is and who He has made us. I know for myself, I want to think that in my 24.8 years of living that I should have experienced it all first in order to prepare me for whatever is next. As if the next part will just be a floating trip down the 'Hooch. But this isn't the case. Bonnie, the greatest receptionsist in America and my favorite friend at HomeBanc always says that I just have to experience things and with experience comes wisdom. No part of this statement is wrong - it's just that I don't believe it. I feel like since I am a go-getter and I am willing to take on whatever the world throws my way or whatever situation that God has me in - that I should be fully equipped already to handle anything.

How clueless am I? Recently, through some cool conversations with close friends, some quiet times alone, some struggles with my family and more so, some inner-conflict about my career I have wrapped my arms around the fact that I know nothing. I only know what I have experienced and that is so little compared to all that God has in store for me. If I try to think that I have all of the answers now then I am only cheating myself what God wishes to show me through people and situations.

More so, I want to know the faces of God and know Him intimately but have not really put myself in places to be challenged by Him to where I can really get to know Him better. I have taken on the life of a typical servant - serving only when it comes easily or naturally. I want more! I don't want a life of mediocracy and neutrality - what miserable words! I want to be humbled to the point that I literally have to rely on my mustard seed sized faith to be able to do even the slightest thing. I dont want to walk around thinking that because He has blessed me with Grace and Wisdom that I am able and ready to take on anything. I am - but only with Big faith and that comes from God - not from my feeble experiences.

I have a feeling none of this makes complete sense to anyone but me and that is okay. I needed to muddle through whatever is in my head (and I think is causing me to be short of breath these days). I am not even going to read this over to see if it does make sense.
Humble me, God.

And, yes, I am 67 days from 25. Whoopee! Bring it....