Eulogy. The End.

Wow. This really is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I knew the time was coming near. I knew we didn't have much more time to spend together and I knew I would have to say goodbye. I have been gearing myself up for this for a few months now but the time has come. All week long I have had so many ideas racing through my mind as to how to thoroughly and accurately celebrate and memorialize somebody you truly love so much. I could just end with funny stories and highlights and try to laugh my way out as I think humor is the best form of therapy you can find. I even considered an abrupt ending that would just merely state "THE END. GOODBYE." I didn't think that was fair to the friends and family though. Yesterday, I concluded that the easiest way to do that which hurts so bad to do would just be to fizzle out. You know, like a fake death...TuPac style....no real goodbye or anything just silence. I went to bed last night knowing that today would be in fact one of the hardest days I would face but I knew on the flipside there would be peace. As Celine often reminds me "A new day has come."


More than 2 years ago I brought my passion for writing coupled with my inability to accurately express myself verbally because of my tendency to think 4 thoughts at one time and somehow have them mesh together all the while trying to keep in mind the bigger picture (which to my mother leads to over-analyzation. Me? Never.)Mama was the only fan for awhile and I was okay with that. My mama has always been and will always be my biggest cheerleader whether it involves me running naked through the streets (never have I ever. Yet.) or organizing a benefit to solve world peace. Needless, I wrote. My mom read. She commented. I continued to write. She'd cry or laugh and on occasion comment on the beauty of God that she saw in the blog. Then, whether you know it or not the purpose became strictly ministry related. For some reason you people....and I don't even know who you are but I have kept up with the anonymous comments and responsive emails...you people continued to read whether it was about deodorant or relationships or embarrassing mishaps or some form of emotional turmoil. Really, what this says is that we are all the same. So maybe I express a little more freely and publicly what you are feeling but typically we all feel it whatever it is...To me it is a desire for connection. Though sometimes we like to think that our lives are different than those around us and that no one else could relate to us really, we are all the same. We all have a deep desire to be a part of something bigger than who we are and we all want to be valued.
The bottom line...here it goes...the bottom line is that we are part of a big story. What a joy it has been to walk with you over the last few years and day by day, drama by drama, emotion by emotion and from let downs to triumphs to successes and challenges, realize that I am not the main character in this story. My life is not about me. I thank God every single day I wake up that at such a young age He has made this clear to me. I could not fathom waking up in the morning, going to work, making some money, eating dinner, going on vacations, calling mom on her birthday, and then going to bed at night and not knowing all the while that I was in the middle of a story and I was but a fraction of the story. I was created for one reason only and everything.....everything else in my life all has to do with this one purpose: to glorify God. I was created solely to make His name famous. It's not about religion and it's not about rules. It is about recognizing that everything I do, say, think, feel, act, organize, plan, touch, taste, manage, own, build, create, repeat, initiate, write and am a part of, is for the Glory of God. That is it.
You have experienced many good days with me and several days where you probably read the daily post and wondered if the black whole I was existing in would just swallow me up or if I'd ever find a light in the darkness. My dad has always said that I, like my precious brother, are too emotional and not level headed. Here's the deal - he is so right. My soul wants to sing of the uncontainable joy that I have found by realizing that I am an integral part in God's story - the story of His Glory. I am also human and many days my frailty shows as my own mortality overshadows that innate joy that is within. And this is tragic.
Fortunately and only by grace, redemption can be found even daily and hourly as I continue to mess up.
So, yes, occasionally 2-5: My Year to Thrive, formerly known as 2005: My Year to Thrive brought a little humor to situations that might not be too humorous to the average self-conscious person. I definitely didn't hold back too much - that's for sure. But really, I hope the theme of my heart.....the thing that is with me at all times and the only thing on this side of heaven that will never never fail me - has been obvious through this little journey. You and I were made to worship something and you may spend your whole life worshipping yourself or your accomplishments or your relationship or your marriage or your kids or your security or your extremely good looks (ha).....you may not even know that you are worshipping these things but it is apparent in the way you and I embrace every single circumstance in life. I am 25.5 years old. I do not have alot to offer you. I can't do anything too extraordinary. I am really not an expert in anything nor can you really look at me as someone who has always had it together or someone to aspire to (dont get me wrong - I love myself because Christ loved me first and I have gifts that I know are being used) but I have found (like so many of you) the only thing in this world that will truly bring you joy in all cicumstances. The thing that will give you peace beyond understanding. The thing that will wake you up in the morning and cause you to want to dance! The only thing or person who will truly never fail you. And I have found this freely. And it blows me away daily that no matter how old we are and no matter what life has looked like before and no matter how much damage has been done you and I can have this inner-uncontainable-indescibable-incomparable-unfathomable joy that only comes from Christ. Only.

Thank you for allowing me to vent to you on a daily and sometimes hourly basis. Had you asked me a few years ago what "thriving" actually looked like I would have had a very certain picture. Yes, it would have included God and the bigger story but it also would have included 117 lbs and a trip to Europe and friends to fill a coliseum and a corner office and a significant other I am sure. Thank you and thank you God for allowing me to realize through my meaningless ramblings that I was destined to thrive before I was even on this earth. Because we are created to do one thing only and that is to bring glory and honor and praise and excitement and fame to our Creator - there is no way to not thrive. It just takes me stepping back to see that this really isn't a story or a blog about me and my life but I am so grateful to have realized that so early and I am humbled to know that I have a role in the story even though I may never know exactly what role I played.

If I find in my hear a desire in which nothing in this world can satisfy; the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. -CS Lewis

I would rather be what God chose to make me than the most glorious creature that I could think of; for to have been thought about, born in God's thought, and then made by God, is the dearest, grandest, and most precious thing in all thinking. -George MacDonald

The fat lady is singing. Ciao bella for now.
Comments welcomed and appreciated.
Tear. Really. (I can't hit Publish Post. This really is hard y'all)

1....2.........3....