For no reason at all

Im not sure why today of all days I thought I'd peep back in on this beloved page and see if there was anything going on to call mama about. This morning is really no different than mornings past. Or atleast I think it isnt. I fumbled out of bed at 5:36am and realized I had fallen asleep with an embarassing amount of clothing on or lack there of and a full blatter. Not to mention, no face or teeth washed and no collecting $200 at start, just straight to bed. Despite the rought start, I oddly love the early mornings. The real early mornings. I met Liz at Chastain for our usually (well, 3 weeks usual) Thursday am stroll. Then off to Einsteins it was to be greeted by the dearest lady. She even spelled my name right on the receipt and she kept calling me 'Betsy-sugar.' I wish I would have asked her name and then called her by it. Something in a name.
Needless to say, I came back to the Terrace, power bagel and all and plopped down on stinky couch (which is going to be our only furniture in our new condo once I become a Bagwell) and my heart felt alive.
Something inside my soul is turning and I am kinda freaked out by it. I honestly can't remember feeling this exact feeling in a long time. Why this mornig? July 26th? No nostalgic memories. No major countdowns to anything. 81 days til a wedding. Less than half a year til my birthday. Football, fall, and all things fabulous are still months away. I think it's just about time though.
It's time for me to actually feel something. Anything. This is long overdo. I am almost embarrased to feel so alive as it causes me to realize what I've been missing out on lately.
For the most part I am unemployed these days. I am still on payroll at my current company but since I am 100% commissioned and right now there are zero percent commissions, I am not really even on payroll. This is the culmination of my three year quest to find my sweet spot. I think I have always thought that spot would come on white horse, with travelling opportunities abroad, a large expense account and a snazzy business card. Therefore, most opportunities have seemed sub-par. Recently I started dwelling on the terrible fact that I am 26 and a half years old and have no tangible experience that relates to anything I would really want to do for a career. For the first time ever I really allowed bitterness to grow towards myself and others who had influenced me in college and before hand to follow the path to Corporate America. If you know me at all, you know I have never been one to question my circumstances. God seems to have given me an uncanny ability to genuinely trust that all things happen for a reason. I remember telling my friend, Michael, this 5 years ago on our porch in Charleston over a lemondade. He sounded puzzled but I could tell deep down he really wanted me to be right. Whether it be jobs, loss of a job, sickness, breakups, broken bones, etc - I, for some reason have been able to trust that it was all part of a bigger story. So, why, in the middle of my own party, thrown by myself, for myself, highlighting my recent despair over my lack of direction, would I begin to regret.....I mean, really regret, that I had chosen the path I did? I am a trapeze artist or something trapped in a secretary's body. I think there is this out of the box part of me that really wants to thrive but for most of my adult life which I know isnt very long - I have remained inside the box, just following the path.

So, it's 8:55 now. It's Thursday. July 26th. There is really nothing different today as far as routine or hype go. There is something different about me though. It's in my decision....and I think it is a decision, not just something you fall in to - to embrace whatever it is at whatever time and in whatever place. Whether it's a pickle and sweet tea at lunch time or driving home this afternoon through the typical-midday-Atlanta thunderstorm or whether it is making conversation with the sweet lady at Einsteins - I will choose to embrace. Thankfully, God has given me just enough light to see that He has me in a time of rest and intentional recooperation. He has set aside this time to prepare for something that is so big that I really can't begin to grasp it's magnitude. Marriage, He has said is the closest example of intimacy on earth that we can experience. It is made to replicate in the grandest way His love for His people. Now, to me, that is the most unfathomable thing to embrace but I would love tire myself by trying to do so.