sweet addiction

I have had a headache now for over a week. Every single day a headache. Not the kind that are wiped out with a few Tylenol either. Like I have to go to my bed right now with my heating pad and lay in the fetal position for the next day until the world comes to an end type of headache. Nothing is necessarily obscure about my daily routine.....nothing sans the caffeine. Honestly, until this weekend it didn't even dawn on me that my decision or subliminal decision to not drink coffee in the mornings would have such a toll on my precious little buddy. I mean, seriously, I am a self-controlled-things in moderation type girl and no thing nor food nor person has that much hold on me...........except for the lies I tell myself.

I am officially addicted and I guess the same way it happens for those of you who choose to partake in the devils water or cigarettes or what have you (I don't know all of you so know that was sarcastic) it happens subconsciously.

I wake up in the morning with ease and travel down the stairs to our red kitchen and without thinking nor really measuring I pour enough coffee grinds into our $20 coffee maker to make the whole house smell delicious (makes my head hurt just saying it) and then I pour just enough water to fill one over sized coffee cup. I mosey back up the stairs and carry on. No thought. Nearly half the time I used to not even drink this nectar from the Gods - it was more for the routine and the smell. It slows me down in the morning and I love to hold it. Lately, without any decision - I drink it. Every morning. Every drop. Gone. I dont really notice any difference in my behavior because I don't even notice that I drink it. Well, last week I fortunately ran out of coffee filters and jolted out the door without thought. 45 minutes later I cant see straight from the pain in the back of my head and behind my eyes. I take every drug I can find, drink lots of water, go home early and call in sick and I even complain to my mama as every co-dependent daughter does whether it's a splinter or labor pains (though I am assuming I wont be as co-dependent if that ever happens). The next day - same thing. This time I convince everyone else that I am dying.
I didnt die. Yet.
How long will this go on? How long does my body wish to penalize me for things I didnt know I was doing? No amount of water or Tylenol or sleep or crack can alleviate this matter (ps - if you ever have to take the GRE I am pretty positive the word alleviate is one of the top 100 words that they use. Really.) So, that is sweet addiction numero uno. I havent bought coffee filters because I indirectly wish to not drink coffee. Its not the coffee. Its the control. I like to think nothing can control me and then so gently God so intricately reminds me that I am in control of nothing.

Okay, a few more..... not as detrimental to society but nonetheless, effectively harmful agents in my daily routine.

Running. I love to run hills and run them fast until my legs feel like they are stuck to the pavement and can not move another inch. Weird. Call me old or emotional or just odd but I think I cry everytime I run these days because I know that someday soon I wont be able to (surgery in the future in case you wonder). I bought new shoes last week and they make me run fast. I wore them the first time last Thursday. I ran as the sun went down. I ran my favorite stretch that you are familiar with in about 2 minutes. I opened my hands and felt like I was running right through a painting. I am addicted to the little natural drugs that are released at 3/4th's of a way through the run. Endorphins are my addiction and you dont get any of these doing too much of anything else.

Rolling down the windows despite the weather. I think I was supposed to be a bird. This morning - 46 degrees on the Explorer's thermometer and the first thing I do before defrosting the windshield is roll down my window and let the cold air hit my nose. No worries though, I have the butt-warmer on and the mix of sensations is the perfect start to a morning and helps with the lack of caffeine thing. This isnt necessarily a harmful obsession but a subconscious one nonetheless.

And I'll admit it. Writing. This is why I ended the beloved blog several weeks ago. I could sit in my own fantasy world all day long and just write every possible scenario and make stories of even the paint drying on the wall and I could be happy. I dont know that anyone would pay me nor would anyone read but I dont care.
Hence the lack of posts these days. I have to feel some sort of control whether or not I even recognize that God is ultimately in the hot seat - not me. So I am making progress on this front but filling one vice with another isnt the healthiest of recovery plans. Right?

Lastly, I almost ended without stating the obvious but I cant lie. FB. I cant even say the words because I am steering clear of any temptation (this hour that is). If you dont know what I am talking about - you dont need to. It is bad for your imagination, for your production and ruins any consistency in your day. I will do 4.5 minutes of work and then play on FB for no reason. There are worse things I could do with my boredom, yes, I agree but nonetheless - I have become slave to FB if it has the answer to my career path. There I said it. It is public and once made public then I have a much better chance of kicking it to the curb.

And I almost forgot but this goes without saying.....you guessed it, Animal Crackers. Yes the Stauffers kind. $1.68 at Kroger and $1.50 for a larger bag at WalMart. I like them lightly toasted. I mostly like the hands and feet of the animals and the giraffe looking animals make my mouth water. If I ever truly thought that I had no strong holds in my life - I am a liar. I may have spent a downpayment on a house in these little bags of joy since highschool. I've already registered for them on my wedding registry. No, I am not dating anyone but a girl has dreams of her wedding and these are mine.

And the list goes on....
-Orbitz sweet mint gum
-dancing in any mirror I walk by. Anywhere.
-Mat Kearney and Shawn McDonald over and over and over and over in my car, on Harry the ipod
-having no unheard messages in my voicemail box but yet never answering my phone when it rings
-Soduko
-talking about Jesus. Can't stop. And I wont try. This is my sweetest addiction.