Not sure where this will lead....

But here it goes....Today has been one of those days where everything seems to fall apart at the seems but ultimately, you find a little piece of clarity to hold on to. You know - when you start spouting off advise to others or maybe to yourself and for once it is fairly rational and provides great, uncharted perspective?? Despite my helacious morning (is that a bad word? If so, fine - I really like the word and think it is rather fitting) the evening proved to be a peaceful one and let's just say for comfort sake - yours and mine- (I would hate to stain you with personal details that might make you uncomfortable) - there were alot of bumps and bruises in between but altogether a peaceful evening with a positive byproduct.

I went walking tonight around 10:15 to sort through the mess of thoughts that were in my head. This is where my best thinking is done, really. I have my ipod on but I only listen to dramatic love songs (all the while picturing my own personal drama to parallel the drama of such ballads....Heart's - Alone seems to be the song of choice today or else A litlte Al Green, Let's Stay Together (the one I always shimmy to when I am happy and running).....)and I tend to walk a little faster partly out of fear that the construction men in Capital City sleep in the woods and may want to grab me (is it weird that I picture these scenes happening and the only solution I have come up with were I to be grabbed by a construction man is to spout off every STD known to the common man and claim them all as my own??? Okay, a little odd but I think a solid plan.) Needless to say, the energy is flowing and I just start dreaming up blogs and blogs of worthy information for my valued reader. Here are just a few of tonight's revelations.....

I fear change like the plague. I actually fear it more than the plague. Okay and maybe fear isnt the right word but let's be brutally honest...I do not embrace it. Though, funny, once it is thrown in my face and I encounter it - I thrive but up until then resistance is my only cry. I have been doing my job for nearly three years now. I am good at what I do - not the best but good. I love the people I work with and I work for the coolest company in America. I know in my gut though that I am supposed to write and/or speak/encourage/motivate others to be the best they can be. I was made to encourage others. I would much rather you be a Superstar than me - which is counterintuitive to most sales career paths. But really, I could sit and continue along my path of least direction for many years to come because for some reason I have built a resistance to change that can not be thwarted. On the other hand of that though, I am discguted these days by my own monotony and I am repulsed by the thought of the mundane right now. Why do all the details of life bog us down so much? Don't you feel your best as I do when you are in your sweet spot with God...when you are just doing what it is He created you so beautifully to do? Not that saying this is going to make it happen but I think it is the first step...Embrace change, Betsy. If I see somewhere God has me than make it happen....dont wait for it to hit you at the right time or place - it never will. All this being said, I will finish my seminary application this week. Step one.

Which leads to my next thought. Nothing profound again just worth noting. I am absolutely nauseated these days by my own mediocracy. In the words of my favorite lyricist these days, Mr. Mat Kearney himself, "I won't fall in the middle...No parachutes or safety nets here. One foot on the water to face these fears...." What am I really fearing so much that it is stopping me from embracing the change that God might be bringing about? It's not rejection or failure really...I am okay at failing at something but I just dont want to fail at the wrong thing....like I have this itch to do something bigger and bolder but that doesnt mean I have to quit my job and go to the nunnary...It just means I want to take a risk for something I believe in....the right thing, not just something that will allow me to step out...the right something. Then, right as I think God is leading me somewhere - I go and get caught up in the details of my life....the details that He commands me not to worry about. If we could really allow God to take care of the details, the relationships and the in between I have a slight premonition that the other things - the big stuff will come much easier.

Which leads to even more thoughts for the evening.....no correlation to the latter thoughts but nonetheless, thoughts I thunk tonight on my walk-to-solve-all-the-worlds-problems (but just not my own) - why do we ALWAYS want what we can't have? Why dont I just trust my heart when it leads me in a direction? Why does everything turn so serious when you are on the latter side of your 20's??? What once was a mild date or a mild decision seems to bear so much more weight these days. Why is it so hard to see clearly when you are right smack in the middle of something? How are others able to see where they want to be in their near future and then they seem to go for it and I honestly can't decide whether to wear pants or a skirt in the mornings and can hardly put my whole belief behind anything (apart from Christ)? When did such uncertainty start lurking in? And on bigger notes, why when I feel so ready and available to be used by God do I feel myself getting antsy because there seems to be nowhere that I am needed. I want to live boldly for my faith. I want to live it out loud. I want to be used - I have prayed this prayer and pleaded this for months now but here I sit, at the Terrace, with the daunting task of repeating today again tomorrow and the next day and the next day and the next.....And not to say I am not happy with things here at the Terrace - more than happy actually but extremely comfortable too. Why do I tend to wait for life to happen to me instead of going after it?

I hope no one reads this. Really. I crave writing! Do you know that???It is literally the most exhilerating physical rush (to date)to know that I can sit down and just let my fingers go. I know this stuff isnt good nor really worth reading but luckily that isnt why I do it. But for my own sanity among peers...I do hope that if you read this one you just chalk it up as one of those cooky blogs that I have every lunar eclipse or so. Don't take me so seriously, too, - I dont take half of what I say seriously. Tonight my roommates and I had a pow wow about everything under the sun and we all made some vows to make some changes. One of which for me was to explore where my passion for writing could lead me....maybe the next Keri Bradshaw of Atlanta? Maybe sitting by a bay window in Charleston, South Carolina writing for the local newspaper about the Spoleto festival or something locally intriguing? Maybe it is just completing seminary papers next fall as I begin to move through some classes? Or maybe just enjoying the Terrace porch on a spring day with the windows open just writing the 5 notes a day that I try to write just to let others know how much I appreciate them. Who doesnt need a personal note every once in a while?

Bottom line among my questions and mindless ramblings - In Christ only ALL things hold together. He is the reason I am given one more day every day - to spread the joy and peace that is found only in Him especially when questions like these start to take over. I pray that my heart and head can rest tonight in this truth. It is tiring trying to figure the pieces of the puzzle out but He doesnt ask us to do that. We are just asked to play our part in the moment and to live outloud for the One who gives us life.....the other mundane details that lie in the middle will be taken care of. I need to write that 50 times on a piece of paper or say it over and over. It will be taken care of. Expect big and bold things from the Lord. He truly is the only rock that we can stand on especially when the walls come falling down like today and we are faced with a whole laundry list of questions. In Him ALL things hold together. (Colossians 1:17)

And just to note: Do you know how lucky I am to live in our little sorority house, the Terrace, right now with amazing girls who have to hear my ramblings on a daily basis? You know the change issue I spoke of.....well, I never see myself moving away from my little piece of heaven called the Terrace. Could this be a problem? Does communal living work in a marriage setting? Things to consider before taking any plunges of the sort. Thanks, girls, for listening and waiting to talk about how crazy I am until I leave the room. Y'all are superstars and we are so lucky to have this time together!

No mas from me. I am starting to drool. Goodnight, kids. Live tomorrow as though it is the last and we will have no regrets.