You see the depths of my heart

And you love me the same.

How often are you fully embraced by anyone that might know all the intricacies of your heart? Love this unconditional is rare. Ashley Abide - my first soul mate lived with me in our 'closet' in Charleston. We shared a bed and she is the only person thus far who has had the privelege for an extended period of time. I woke up early every morning to go run and I was always on the go. She would open her big inquisitive eyes when I'd come back in the room around 9:45 and just smile and say in her perfect Delta voice (Mississippi that is) that she loved even my faults. Not that arising in the 5 oclock hour is that terrible but she saw the busy-ness behind it all. Since then, I am definitely able to take the mornings a little slower and I have since had a busy-ness-DETOX but still, I always tend to be moving. Just yesterday I had zipped into Phipps plaza to get a sweet tea and lemonade at Chick Fil A - surprise, surprise. As I was heading down the elevator a young housewife scooted to the side to let me pass. I smiled at her and thanked her politely and then passed. I stopped 2 steps ahead looked back and asked her what I was in a hurry for? Okay, so I was going to see the Braves whip up on the Dodgers and I did have my new Braves 1974 hat to sport but nonetheless, in a hurry so much that the sweet lady knew she needed to get out of my way???
Anyway, makes my cogs turn and my insides cramp.
My sense of urgency and action-oriented personality are wonderful in many situations but in the same sense - they are the culmination of some of my deepest sin. It's my inability in action (not in my words) to rest. A friend of mine and I sat Monday night and caught up. The conversation was good though in this example I did most of the talking. He asked me what I am always on the go from? Or what am I running from? Why am I always seeking escape or some splended, quiet retreat? This is true. I crave quietness and stillness. It feels like infatuation. You know when you want something so badly you can feel all your blood and capillaries and cells and organs and all the stuff inside just longing for it too?? I want stillness in that way. But really, it is to my own fault that I so desperately seek simplicity. It is because I allow busyness and ambition and my proactivity to get ahead of my need for Christ at the most basic level. It's a catch 22.
Because of Christ in me I have this sense of urgency to tell the world about authentic joy that is only from God. So it drives me and fuels me. This is good. But just like milkshakes and french fries -everything is good in moderation. I still need to be quiet more often than not. I am not necessarily meaning quietness in the normal sense but quietness in all I do. Where even your heart is quiet and your head is quiet and at times, even my ambition is quiet.

The beauty of this is that amid my self perpetuated busyness and my deep deire to slow down - I am still loved. Fully loved. I am still accepted and I am still a child of God and He still wants to use me. He sees the depths of our hearts and He loves us the same. There is no greater feeling that we can experience than that of unconditional love. Ashley will be in my wedding, we'll vacation one day with her litter of children, we'll wear purple hats together when we are older and talk about our shifting body parts, she'll tell me what I might not want to hear all the while rubbing my head and letting me know it's okay......yes, she is a good friend but it is unconditional/unswayed/unshifting love that permeates my soul. And if this is my reaction to this earthly example of uncondtional love - what more is my reponse to God's unshaken love.



My heart was moved today when God blessed me with a bit of undeserved encouragement. I received an email of an encouragement from a complete stranger. The thought that someone somewhere unknown to me understands the biggness of God's story and for a second saw how God may be using me in that story is potent. In God's own way He used someone else in the most unique of ways to slow me down and to quiet my ever-moving heart. It is all woven together. Everything. Everything is woven together by His hands. Thank you for seeing the depths and yet your love is unchanged.