Mark my words

So on lighter notes not having to deal with teeth and tools and funky dentist smells (see below) I want to move to Spain. Seriously. maybe not Spain but somewhere and Spain keeps coming up. Im not going to talk about this alot at all. I'd rather see it happen. Nonetheless, yesterday was a big day and for some reason my eyes finally saw things that have been right in front of me for several years now. Ive been pleading with God daily for some direction and for passion for anything and yet I realized yesterday that my initial instincts may have been the very thing I had been searching for. I have been in a world far far away for the past 2 days as I start to dream how this might become a reality. I realized yesterday too that I dont have to convince anyone else of why I might go. The reasons are my own and they may not work for anyone else. I want to experience God on a different level. I want to trust my instincts, trust God and actually follow through with something I have talked about for way too long now. I want to be a do-er and not just a dreamer. I want to have the opportunity to allow God's faithfulness intersect my faith in order to see where He might take me. My only plan right now is to pray daily for clarity (if that ever really happens in anything) and for details to be worked out.

I am beaming today! Hasta luego....

I'd rather have tapeworm

In 5th or 6th grade (mama, pull out the 12 boxes in the basement of all my trophies and figure out which year this was) I won a writing contest for writing about how much I loathed the dentist. I don't use the word loathe for any other subject than this......the scraping of your teeth with the metal pick, the taste of the gritty toothpaste or better yet the new and improved, baking soda wash as it drips down your throat, the hygenist hovering inches over your mouth, xrays, rubber gloves shoved down your throat while trying to stick a whole fist and some floss in your mouth....yuck yuck yuck. I have to go home now - I am sick just recalling it. All of this to use the word 'loathe.'
So I wrote a short story about it. They liked it and I then gave it to my dentist as a token of my affection.
Well since then I have found God's gift to the dentistry profession. My new dentist slaps you with a mask to inhale laughing gas the moment you walk in the door even if it is just to pay the bill. All of the ladies wear bright make up and have big hair and they talk in very high voices like you are in a fairy tale. And that is only the beginning. Once you get to the back you are brought to a Led Zeppelin or Beatles themed room. The chair comes equipt with a full body massager (which makes me nervous to use if anyone is going to stick a sharp object in my mouth.) On the wall and on the ceiling there is a tv so even when you are lying down you arent missing any daytime television. They have the best fleece blankets that they lay over your legs so you cant dare get chilly. More so, if you are really bothered by the sound there are headphones that tune into the tv and block out the outside noise and if that doesnt work - there is always more laughing gas.

This year my dental insurance changed and my own little dentist-disney world is no longer in network. I am stubborn and pay for things that are of value to me - so I still see my lovely dentist and just pay an arm and a leg to do so.
This may be the end of our relationship though. Yesterday, after going more than a quarter century with beautiful little chompers - I am told the not so good news that I have the start of not only one but 2 CAVITIES in the back of my teeth. Devastation.
I am not exaggerating. I lost it yesterday over 2 cavities. Perfectionist much? No.

Can they put me under to fill cavities? I think I will take off a week of work. This is possibly one of my worst nightmares. More so, I wont be able to go to my happy dental friend because it will cost me nearly $400 to do it out of network and about a fraction of that if I go to someone they tell me to go to. I hate being told what to do. I am not good with authority. Who is MetLife anyway?
Nonetheless, I think Id rather a colonoscopy or tapeworm over a cavity. Oops, sorry, 2 cavities!!!!

hibernation

Just like our furry mammal cousins I have been hiding away for the winter and storing food. Literally. This week has been wonderfully refreshing and even now at a few minutes to 9 on a beautiful Sunday morning - I am going to squeeze even the last drop of pleasure out of this past week with a pumpkin spice latte, the last pages of my book and some egg whites -light cheese.

I love Thanksgiving week. It's the holiday everyone American celebrates regardless of religion or background. And I think you might agree that there is nothing more invigorating than a thankful heart. I couldn't help but sing praise to God throughout the last few days. My whole family was home. My phone didn't ring for work. My mama's cookin may have given me a little muffin top tummy over my pants (nice). The weather couldn't have been more fabulous. I love post Thanksgiving football in Athens. My house is clean. Ample time for long runs. Sleep is abundant. Ive had time to take all the dance classes I want. God is smiling upon me and showing me favor and I am thankful. I am truly thankful. I am thankful that my heart is quiet. This season has been one of those full of memories and excitement and blessings galore but yet I keep anticipating something more. It's tiring to live like this. As I have said all year -I know God is preparing me for something but I have worn myself out trying to figure out that something until lately. Lately, I have learned to be still and cling to the truths that I know. God wants glory. He wants to use me for His glory. He wants to show everyone His love. He will use me to do this. He is always preparing me for whatever is next whether or not I know it and that is faith. And even though I may not see the evidence He is at work in me. And that is what I am most thankful for of all.
Back to hibernating for the rest of this day.

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever.
Psalm 30:11-12.

sweet addiction

I have had a headache now for over a week. Every single day a headache. Not the kind that are wiped out with a few Tylenol either. Like I have to go to my bed right now with my heating pad and lay in the fetal position for the next day until the world comes to an end type of headache. Nothing is necessarily obscure about my daily routine.....nothing sans the caffeine. Honestly, until this weekend it didn't even dawn on me that my decision or subliminal decision to not drink coffee in the mornings would have such a toll on my precious little buddy. I mean, seriously, I am a self-controlled-things in moderation type girl and no thing nor food nor person has that much hold on me...........except for the lies I tell myself.

I am officially addicted and I guess the same way it happens for those of you who choose to partake in the devils water or cigarettes or what have you (I don't know all of you so know that was sarcastic) it happens subconsciously.

I wake up in the morning with ease and travel down the stairs to our red kitchen and without thinking nor really measuring I pour enough coffee grinds into our $20 coffee maker to make the whole house smell delicious (makes my head hurt just saying it) and then I pour just enough water to fill one over sized coffee cup. I mosey back up the stairs and carry on. No thought. Nearly half the time I used to not even drink this nectar from the Gods - it was more for the routine and the smell. It slows me down in the morning and I love to hold it. Lately, without any decision - I drink it. Every morning. Every drop. Gone. I dont really notice any difference in my behavior because I don't even notice that I drink it. Well, last week I fortunately ran out of coffee filters and jolted out the door without thought. 45 minutes later I cant see straight from the pain in the back of my head and behind my eyes. I take every drug I can find, drink lots of water, go home early and call in sick and I even complain to my mama as every co-dependent daughter does whether it's a splinter or labor pains (though I am assuming I wont be as co-dependent if that ever happens). The next day - same thing. This time I convince everyone else that I am dying.
I didnt die. Yet.
How long will this go on? How long does my body wish to penalize me for things I didnt know I was doing? No amount of water or Tylenol or sleep or crack can alleviate this matter (ps - if you ever have to take the GRE I am pretty positive the word alleviate is one of the top 100 words that they use. Really.) So, that is sweet addiction numero uno. I havent bought coffee filters because I indirectly wish to not drink coffee. Its not the coffee. Its the control. I like to think nothing can control me and then so gently God so intricately reminds me that I am in control of nothing.

Okay, a few more..... not as detrimental to society but nonetheless, effectively harmful agents in my daily routine.

Running. I love to run hills and run them fast until my legs feel like they are stuck to the pavement and can not move another inch. Weird. Call me old or emotional or just odd but I think I cry everytime I run these days because I know that someday soon I wont be able to (surgery in the future in case you wonder). I bought new shoes last week and they make me run fast. I wore them the first time last Thursday. I ran as the sun went down. I ran my favorite stretch that you are familiar with in about 2 minutes. I opened my hands and felt like I was running right through a painting. I am addicted to the little natural drugs that are released at 3/4th's of a way through the run. Endorphins are my addiction and you dont get any of these doing too much of anything else.

Rolling down the windows despite the weather. I think I was supposed to be a bird. This morning - 46 degrees on the Explorer's thermometer and the first thing I do before defrosting the windshield is roll down my window and let the cold air hit my nose. No worries though, I have the butt-warmer on and the mix of sensations is the perfect start to a morning and helps with the lack of caffeine thing. This isnt necessarily a harmful obsession but a subconscious one nonetheless.

And I'll admit it. Writing. This is why I ended the beloved blog several weeks ago. I could sit in my own fantasy world all day long and just write every possible scenario and make stories of even the paint drying on the wall and I could be happy. I dont know that anyone would pay me nor would anyone read but I dont care.
Hence the lack of posts these days. I have to feel some sort of control whether or not I even recognize that God is ultimately in the hot seat - not me. So I am making progress on this front but filling one vice with another isnt the healthiest of recovery plans. Right?

Lastly, I almost ended without stating the obvious but I cant lie. FB. I cant even say the words because I am steering clear of any temptation (this hour that is). If you dont know what I am talking about - you dont need to. It is bad for your imagination, for your production and ruins any consistency in your day. I will do 4.5 minutes of work and then play on FB for no reason. There are worse things I could do with my boredom, yes, I agree but nonetheless - I have become slave to FB if it has the answer to my career path. There I said it. It is public and once made public then I have a much better chance of kicking it to the curb.

And I almost forgot but this goes without saying.....you guessed it, Animal Crackers. Yes the Stauffers kind. $1.68 at Kroger and $1.50 for a larger bag at WalMart. I like them lightly toasted. I mostly like the hands and feet of the animals and the giraffe looking animals make my mouth water. If I ever truly thought that I had no strong holds in my life - I am a liar. I may have spent a downpayment on a house in these little bags of joy since highschool. I've already registered for them on my wedding registry. No, I am not dating anyone but a girl has dreams of her wedding and these are mine.

And the list goes on....
-Orbitz sweet mint gum
-dancing in any mirror I walk by. Anywhere.
-Mat Kearney and Shawn McDonald over and over and over and over in my car, on Harry the ipod
-having no unheard messages in my voicemail box but yet never answering my phone when it rings
-Soduko
-talking about Jesus. Can't stop. And I wont try. This is my sweetest addiction.

Embracing the Calm

Oprah, Beth Moore and pumpkin spice latte's from Starbucks are my three vices these days. Here is what it feels like.....there is a movie in the background and all of the scenes are going by 5 times the speed of reality. And then there is me walking at normal pace in front of the scene. Lollygagging if you will. Hands in my pocket. Licking a blowpop or sipping my pumpkin spice latte.
And the three things that help me take the next slow step are my drugs mentioned above. If you only read this paragraph you would think I am suicidal. Oh, contrary, Mary Mary.

I just can't seem to move at the pace that everything else around me seems to be moving. Every morning that I am not teaching classes at the break of dawn I become the eternal housewife. I sleep in a little later. Finally mosey out of bed, make some coffee and eggs. Sit on the couch under the perfect down comforter. I read Beth Moore til I start talking like her in her perfect southern accent. Then I clean. make my bed. Run a bubble bath and soak in it as if there was nothing else in the day for me to do. Candles and all. I take my time getting dressed and then hope that someone wants to have lunch with me.
WHAT AM I WRITING? IS THIS REALLY ME? Have you EVER known me to sit on the couch? There is friction right now in this routine just enough to make me wonder that maybe I shouldn't do this forever but not enough to make me question my work ethics. I need the down time. I can't remember another season of life where I allowed my energy to dictate the pace of my day. Typically I set several almost undoable appointments and I time block my whole day until the whole day is covered with things to do. And whether or not I have the strength to do it all I run on adrenaline and get a whole heck of alot of mostly-non-mandatory things done. But I get stuff done and that is what makes me tick! So, not that those things to do have gone anywhere but for some reason my tenacity to do all of them has left the room. Out the front door.

here is my take on it all for what it is worth. God is always preparing us for the next season. Normally, I don't recognize this when I am in the season before "The Season." But this time for some reason I know that I am being prepared rather than being ignored (oh, how thankful I am that we learn these things eventually.) Life is comfortable right now. Everything I do from work to workouts to church to the grocery store exists in a 4.1 mile radius. I live in Atlanta and never experience traffic. I am in a fast-paced sales job and though business could always be better - it's enough to live on these days. My family is 30 minutes away from me. I have thick, rich, creamy friendships enough to turn all the hate in the world into love. There are no male intruders in my life to make me feel anything less than I should. Life is easy. Almost too easy. I am not trying to bring on the hard stuff (though I do cherish the growth process that comes with trials.) I just know for once the it is quiet right now for a reason. God is rejoicing over me with singing right now. I have been showered with encouragement and positive affirmation lately both literally from friends and coworkers but also from my Creator. My role is to take to heart what He has been saying to me because I know a day draws near where I will need to feel deep down these affirmations. This is the quiet before the storm. Not to say that it has to be a terrible, destructive storm but a storm nonetheless where things are different and not so calm.

Until that day comes I will wake up to my eggs and my downtime on the couch with Beth Moore. I'll stroll through my day paying attention to only the things that I have committed to doing (this involves work). Ill come home and put the shades down and let Oprah tell me what is going on in the world. Ill even watch the commercials and then at night, like the last few, Ill make the 1.6 mile trek to one of 4 Starbucks on my street and order my newest love from Leo - the friendly Baristo. And all the while my lips will praise Him for the songs of praise and affirmation that He is pouring over me. All the while, too, I will delight in your words and letters and emails of affirmation and I will eat every single word up with a spoon and even lick the bowl because I know He is building me up for the next season.

The Lord your God is with you
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17-18

Splenid Sat started from fabulous Friday with our 'grounded' small group girls! Go see Facing the Giants if you havent already. Seriously. Go. 

Splendid Saturday

When I was a camp counselor at Camp Greystone a few summers ago we literally heard the bugle in the morning and sat up, clapped our hands and said it's gonna be a great day and I feel terrific! I had no problem doing this as you can imagine because I have always been a morning person. I had normally already been up for a an hour so I was annoyingly peppy I am sure. My campers never had quite the enthusiasm but nonetheless, they did start their day the same way.
Admittedly, I dont start all my mornings this way now. But when I do...I do back handsprings out of bed right down the stairs to my bowl of Wheaties and I do feel terrific. This morning was no exception. Look outside, really, right now - look outside, God's glory is shining right down through a flawless sky onto each sharp red and brilliant yellow leaf. Fall is in full force and for some reason this fall is different. This time of year has always done something for me. It seems like every year I am amazed even more that God would once again do what He does best - create. Each fall I can feel the itestity of creation stirring all the way through my fingertips. Two nights ago I went out to run just as the temperature had dropped about 15 degrees. I knew that if I got through the first mile and a half there was a treasure waiting for miles 2-6. There is a strech of this run (Charlsie, you know it) where you are literally running through a canvas of every color fathomable. Above me, to the right, in front of me....you can open your arms and spin cirles and feel like you are in a kaliedescope. I rounded the corner on this unusually chilly night and out of nowhere tears start falling down my cheeks. And they dont stop. I wasnt crying. Not crying like you think of it. But yes tears were falling off my cheek and hitting my hand as I ran. Everything that the fall weather and the refreshing change of season encompasses came rushing in at once and I was overwhelmed. More so, God's nearness was obvious. Not just on that stretch of the run but lately. Why, God, have you chosen to give me the insight that you have? Why have you affirmed me when your character alone should be enough for me to worship you for the rest of my days? My tears fell because I knew that I have been lavished with blessings. This is always true but somehow this year God has given me an unusual ability to see them - even when you say they arent blessings. The professor in my class Thursday said that God is always preparing us for the next thing. Of course, you say. But think about what you are doing right now? Are you questioning your job path? Are you in the middle of a community of friends who are encouraging you and supporting you? Is it quiet? Do you hear nothing? Is your family being ripped at the seams and it seems at though no one could understand? Has something recently turned for the worse and everything you thought would happen has fallen apart? GOD IS PREPARING YOU FOR THE NEXT THING. Right now God is literally singing songs of praise over me and He has chosen to affirm me and I FEEL TERRIFIC. I dont feel terrific because the weather is so great and I have good business and have plenty do on the social calendar. I FEEL TERRIFIC because I know fully that I am alive because Christ is in me! That is the only sustainable reason that I can feel this TERRIFIC despite the lack of evidence that things are going well.

So I go side tracked - every other fall, yes, the colors and the cool air invigorate me. Every year I am overwhelmed by God's continous display of His creativity. This year there is something more. This year I am confident. I am in a whirlwind when it comes to life direction but I am so confident that God has me here that it just makes everything seem a little lighter.

Tonight I am putting on a fabulous champagne colored dress. I am wearing stilettos and my toes are red. No one is at home today and I have several hours to clean and sing and smell the fresh air through my open windows. I'll wear my favorite clean smelling scent and my dangle bracelets that cling together everytime I take a step. The sun is shining through the living room window enough to warm the room but as the afternoon fall sun so often does - it doesnt intimidate. I am here right now on this splendid Saturday for a reason. I am alone. And for the first time in a while I love it. Tonight Ill look great and Ill feel refreshed and everyone will ask what I did and why I feel so great and I will know it is because of the leaves and the cool air and the accumulation of the blessings that God has chosen to make known to me. When you allow Him to penetrate your heart - down to the very core - it is evident even in your smile. This may be the cheapest beauty trick a girl could know. I love Saturdays!

Twas much that man was made like God long before
but that God should become like man
that much more.

John Donne