Oh where, oh where did thoust go?

www.thebagwells.blogspot.com

Name changed. Site changed. I am still waiting to change. Come visit.

I love the colors....

Yet another representation of the type of day I will have. Yummy!

On partial unemployment

Everyone thinks that I have it made right now. No office to report to at a certain hour. No one to tell me to come back after 45 minutes of lunch. No work clothes. No printer issues. All this is true but there is alot more that comes with partial unemployment. There is this odd feeling of being stuck. Like your feet are fully immersed in swamp water and you sort of can see some dry land but everytime you see it you sink a little more and for a moment - lose sight of any dry areas. Stuck stuck stuck. This post is already taking a polar opposite turn from yesterdays.
Let's backup. I liked yesterday alot. Everyone liked me liking yesterday. Brad told me all day how attractive my happiness was. I felt in in everything I did. I sat most of the mornign cleaning out the old in my closets. Anything old - out. I now have made room to share a closet with someone since it looks like that is another thing that comes with marriage. I sing and I twirled as I tried on my prom gown from Marietta High Prom - '99. Red, long and a mesh middle so you could see my flat and beautiful abs at the time. What has happened to those abs? More so, what happened with my taste at the time. I do remember buying that lovely dress and feeling like a million dollars. Maybe this is why it still hangs in my closet....some far off reminder of a sweet sweet time with alot less concern and no thought of unemployment anywhere near. So, yes, I turned and twirled and remembered the way I felt. Then, there were some other odd findings in the closet - all of which created a very indulgent experience to reminesce. After the mass cleaning - I went to mama's office to talk to a man about flowers. Flowers dont make me melt like some girls. I like simple things. One type of flower in a bunch kinda girl. But, still, for any girl to spend hours and hours looking at brilliant colors of flowers all afternoon - you cant help but walk away a little lighter. The day ended with cheese dip and salsa. Two of my first loves. You see, how could anyone help but to gleam after a day like yesterday.

I just decided in this moment to repeat yesterday today. I've said it over and over but it is all on perspective, right? And as yall know mama always said, You have to choose the type of day you are going to have! Therefore, I am choosing a chocolate-filled kind of day. Mama and I are heading to Madison to taste some of the food for the reception. Yet again, what girl cant be happy having someone cook for her! I cant wait to try the caterer's famed peanut butter-chocolate filled cookies. Delectable.

Make it a fabulous day! I am choosing to do the same. Cheers to partial-unemployment (I can explain that later)!!!

A visual of the day...

If I were candy today, this is what I would feel like.

For no reason at all

Im not sure why today of all days I thought I'd peep back in on this beloved page and see if there was anything going on to call mama about. This morning is really no different than mornings past. Or atleast I think it isnt. I fumbled out of bed at 5:36am and realized I had fallen asleep with an embarassing amount of clothing on or lack there of and a full blatter. Not to mention, no face or teeth washed and no collecting $200 at start, just straight to bed. Despite the rought start, I oddly love the early mornings. The real early mornings. I met Liz at Chastain for our usually (well, 3 weeks usual) Thursday am stroll. Then off to Einsteins it was to be greeted by the dearest lady. She even spelled my name right on the receipt and she kept calling me 'Betsy-sugar.' I wish I would have asked her name and then called her by it. Something in a name.
Needless to say, I came back to the Terrace, power bagel and all and plopped down on stinky couch (which is going to be our only furniture in our new condo once I become a Bagwell) and my heart felt alive.
Something inside my soul is turning and I am kinda freaked out by it. I honestly can't remember feeling this exact feeling in a long time. Why this mornig? July 26th? No nostalgic memories. No major countdowns to anything. 81 days til a wedding. Less than half a year til my birthday. Football, fall, and all things fabulous are still months away. I think it's just about time though.
It's time for me to actually feel something. Anything. This is long overdo. I am almost embarrased to feel so alive as it causes me to realize what I've been missing out on lately.
For the most part I am unemployed these days. I am still on payroll at my current company but since I am 100% commissioned and right now there are zero percent commissions, I am not really even on payroll. This is the culmination of my three year quest to find my sweet spot. I think I have always thought that spot would come on white horse, with travelling opportunities abroad, a large expense account and a snazzy business card. Therefore, most opportunities have seemed sub-par. Recently I started dwelling on the terrible fact that I am 26 and a half years old and have no tangible experience that relates to anything I would really want to do for a career. For the first time ever I really allowed bitterness to grow towards myself and others who had influenced me in college and before hand to follow the path to Corporate America. If you know me at all, you know I have never been one to question my circumstances. God seems to have given me an uncanny ability to genuinely trust that all things happen for a reason. I remember telling my friend, Michael, this 5 years ago on our porch in Charleston over a lemondade. He sounded puzzled but I could tell deep down he really wanted me to be right. Whether it be jobs, loss of a job, sickness, breakups, broken bones, etc - I, for some reason have been able to trust that it was all part of a bigger story. So, why, in the middle of my own party, thrown by myself, for myself, highlighting my recent despair over my lack of direction, would I begin to regret.....I mean, really regret, that I had chosen the path I did? I am a trapeze artist or something trapped in a secretary's body. I think there is this out of the box part of me that really wants to thrive but for most of my adult life which I know isnt very long - I have remained inside the box, just following the path.

So, it's 8:55 now. It's Thursday. July 26th. There is really nothing different today as far as routine or hype go. There is something different about me though. It's in my decision....and I think it is a decision, not just something you fall in to - to embrace whatever it is at whatever time and in whatever place. Whether it's a pickle and sweet tea at lunch time or driving home this afternoon through the typical-midday-Atlanta thunderstorm or whether it is making conversation with the sweet lady at Einsteins - I will choose to embrace. Thankfully, God has given me just enough light to see that He has me in a time of rest and intentional recooperation. He has set aside this time to prepare for something that is so big that I really can't begin to grasp it's magnitude. Marriage, He has said is the closest example of intimacy on earth that we can experience. It is made to replicate in the grandest way His love for His people. Now, to me, that is the most unfathomable thing to embrace but I would love tire myself by trying to do so.

Abundance

I love how the irony of life often teaches us the greatest lessons. It always seems to be when you are looking in one direction you actually end up exactly where you didnt think youd be. Just when you think you know the answer you realize you have so much more to learn.

For nearly 6 months I havent had a job for all intensive purposes. I mean, I am on the payroll and still have a sweet office but God just didnt have work in the cards. My industry is hanging on by a string, my company has new news every other day and I am right in the middle of it. I have been doing things diligently and aggresively but it's just not the time for me to be killing it in my career. It is the time for other things though and I couldnt be more thrilled with my inactivity.

Since my job is slow the paychecks are even slower. This kind of living can be fun really - it's all in the attitude. Ive been able to see my family alot more because when they see me they feed me and one meal means sweet time with my family and a few dollars for gas or our exhorbatant AC bills these days. Yep, kids, its that tight but its fine. Things will pick up. More so, I have never felt more weatlhy. Seriously, I am living the abundant life these days!

I went for a run tonight a few minutes after 8pm. Run with me for a second......
The sky has a slight layer of faint orange - enough to make you wonder what kind of weather the night will hold but enough too to make you run a step faster just in case the sky is holding a secret....
It was super hot today but around 8 the intense heat has died down and the most perfect temperature surrounds you.
It is Sunday night and several families are out in their yards or walking the streets with the dogs but it is Sunday night so not quite as busy as a typical Saturday afternoon around Capital City.
It is the end of a relaxing weekend with your family and your favorite people and the beginning of what may be one of the best weeks of your life.
You just know God is stirring things. You know your patience has been worth the wait and you just feel like you arent running alone. Someone was running with me just delighting in the fact that my joy comes from Him. After about 22 minutes I come to my favorite part of the run - the one I always tell you about. Until now the Ipod God has perfectly shuffled the songs to get you in the perfect "St. Elmo's Fire- theme song/Braveheart" kinda mood and then one of my favorite praise song comes on and I just run and run faster and my hands open and I look up and the faint orange is now a bold, firey orange.
I open my hands and run this perfect stretch of the run and just feel myself breathe in everything around me and breathe out anything that might be holding me back from feeling everything I want to feel.
Thank you, God, for the abundant life you offer. Thank you for being so intentional in my life and for arranging my steps perfectly so that I could be in that moment enjoying every single ounce of it. Thank you Father for loving me so abundantly. I can not even begin to fathom the depth of your love, God. I am so grateful for this season of my life. I am thankful not because my job is great or even promising and not because Im making a lot of money and seeing the world like I one day hope to do. I am thankful for the peace that you have set in my heart, Father. I am thankful that you would see the depths of my heart and you would still love me and want to use me the same. I am most grateful for Brad. (Yes, yall dont know this whole story but trust me - it is good. ) I am grateful that through him Your love has been so obvious to me. Thank you for wanting to use us to bring glory to Your name. Thank you for Your faithfulness. Thank You for writing our story and then using it to reveal your unconditional love to others. I am floored by your graciousness! Thank you God for the abundance of grace and mercy and love and compassion and sympathy and excitement I feel because of what you have done for me. My heart is abundantly grateful.

I have abundant peace. My heart is free. Ahhhhhhh......

Breakfast Utopia

I am an eggs kinda girl in the morning. And finally after several years of wondering aimlessly through the wide-world-O-eggs I now know just how I like them. 2 egg whites with one whole egg, scrambled lightly and a sprinkle of cheese. No butter. I like to get some of them a little toasted. This probably isnt your style but I have found that it suits me and now once again I go to bed at night with purpose....to wake up and eat eggs! Cheap thrill.
This morning was an exception and to be honest, I feel a little guilty as I sit here fat and happy after a non-routine kind of morning. I broke the mold. On this morning I wake up earlier than any alarm, I do not even collect $200 and I go straight for the kitchen. I open up the Panera Bread sack that was so thoughtfully given to me as a hostess gift lastnight and I literally just smell the rounded piece of heaven with no middle. If I am going to break my routine for this sinful little indulgence I am going to do it all the way so I slice it, butter it and toast it oh so perfectly. Then I lather it with a modest amount of honey almond cream cheese. Words can not do the first bite justice. What have I been missing all these mornings? I think that eggs are the ticket because I finally know how I like them and I feel pretty good after I eat them...you know, good dose of protein in the morning and nothing too heavy. Who cares? I am so thankful this morning for taste buds! My taste buds are on vacation in Bora Bora right now and they are not wanting to come back to the real world. I'm salivating just rethinking it.

So I come into the office today all chipper and doing somersaults and my attitude alone justifies my simple indulgence this morning. The office loves happy Betsy. The office seems to be happier when I am happier and therefore, Panera bagels should be more the norm than the exception. Today, Creator God, I am thankful that you have created my taste buds that some how link to my serotonin levels and result in warm fuzzy feelings all over that lead to an overflow of happiness which in turn is soaked up by those around me and the world seems a little better and a little more at peace.

Oh, and maybe I shouldnt get this personal but I also purchased some Irish Spring in a bottle. Irish Spring to my sense of smell(especially on a boy) is like Panera bagels to my fully-alive taste buds....I smell amazing. I probably am the best smelling person around this morning. You would want to be real close to me right now...which leads to my date tonight. The beau and I are going to see Keb Mo - mi favorito de todo - tonight at the Atlanta Symphony Hall. Maybe my Irish Spring will help someone get "closer....a little bit closer...." (Lyrics to a Keb Mo song for those of you who think I am spilling a little TMI).

Sensory Overload!!!!

Same place, different name

Instead of making the annual name change on this thing like I have to do every winter since the title has to do with a certain small segment of life....this year I just took a sabbatical.
And what a sweet sweet sabbatical it was.
Not that I didn't miss my relationship with Blogger because I did. I actually feel like I even lost any appeal I ever had with this thing. As soon as you stop writing it seems that things stop happening for you to write about.
Somehow my clumsiness, lack of inhibition when my mouth opens, and amazing ability to meet the oddest people in Atlanta has all started to wane. More so, my mind doesnt seem to want to analyze the way it used to. It kind of enjoys just going with it - whatever it is - rather than picking evey little thing that God allows to happen to me to pieces.

Well, like the soon-to-be-spring sun to my delightful green grass outside...something in me starts to come to life as the thermometer starts seeing the 65+ numbers on a daily basis. All of a sudden I woke up today craving the feeling of the keys on my fingers and the exhilaration when I sit down with the perfect cup of coffee to hold (rarely to drink) knowing nothing could interrupt me for the next few moments. So, if you are still here or ever peep back just to see if I have come out my whole - thanks for your devotion. If I won an Oscar or Grammy ever I would thank yall as well as God and my mama - as surely you are the most dedicated or bored people I've ever known but nonetheless I am thankful.

I will spare you the novel of where I have been or what I've learned but hopefully it will be obvious.
As I have said many times, I am just a little bitty part of God's HUGE story. Finally, four years after college I am able to look at the time that may be in front of me and realize that not everything has to happen in "2005: My Year to Thrive" nor did it all have to happen in "2-5: My Year to Thrive." Really, on a worldly-did-good-things-happen-and-did-you-laugh-more-than-you-cried kinda scale, 2-5 kinda stunk. And I would redo it all tomorrow if given the opportunity. Hence, the name change for Mr. Blog....I can't limit the work He is going to do to just one year of this short life.

I'm not sure if yall already figured this out but things dont happen according to my time line anyway. And thankfully after a year as thick as a steak and shake chocolate milkshake - I sort of appreciate that they dont. I actually started to believe ( I would italicize "believe" if I could but I cant figure it out so use your imagination) towards the end of last year that God's good and perfect timing is just that - perfect. His sovereingty trumps any fantastical storyline I might ever create. His beauty is more obvious in and around me than Brad Pitt and Keira Knightley on a sunny and 75 Spring day during sunset drinking lemonade on a hammock with Van Morisson (live) in the background. I am grateful for this last year...so grateful it took me 3 months just to write about it but I am more excited for today. I am energized by the reality that I still have all of today to be a part of God's story. It's only minutes til 9 and still so much opportunity in front of me today to play a minute role in His good and perfect story. Never before have I been more thankful for just today. All we can know is that God has given us everything we need for just today. He has given me enough to handle any conversation, controversy or challenge. He has filled me up enough to fill others up no matter if they deserve it or not. He has given me enough understanding to know nothing but know confidently that I dont have to know everything. He has allowed me to feel enough to be sympathetic towards others but also encourage you enough to cause you to go after your dreams. He has given me enough to handle any news but to also rest when there is no news. He has loved me more than I could start to measure and this is what causes me to want to squeeze every drop of life out of every part of my day. This love also is what compels me to know Him more abundantly. And that is the bottom line....to know You, God, and to be loved by You, alone.

Carpe diem, for real, kids!
(PS....I dont know how to work spell check either as this is the first time I have used my new Mac for this thing. Im not quite cool enough to actually know how to use a Mac but I put on a good show.)

To be continued....tbd.
Happy 2007!

Merry Merry Merry Merry

The Nicholson clan is extremely good looking! Especially at Christmas time. Merry Christmas! (I do look like a dwarf at the bottom of the clan.)

Why are You so good to me?

This was a year of favor. Always at the end I have great ambition to be able to recap the year - knowing that when you look at things in retrospect and from a birds eye view that many of the lessons and themes are evident. I dont know where I'd start this year... all I know is that I did thrive. I thrived but not at all because of anything I did.
It seems in everything this year God has shown me favor. Really, though, I think he did the ultimate task in altering my perspective. He didnt change. He is constant. Rather He chose to help me see things a little closer to their 'true' reality - His reality. And what a difference this makes to a year! What a difference this makes to a day! What a difference this makes to even a conversation. Everything is a little lighter when you see things through God's perspective. Even the heavy stuff ...lighter.
And of all things I could ask for this would be the most valuable. I wouldnt look back on this year and remember it for any certain event or emotion but I do know that it was a big year. It was the year that He began to break down any preconceived notions I might have had about who He was....my fingers may had to have been pulled open but ultimately they were opened and I am deeply grateful. In ALL things - God is there. Through ALL things - He wants glory. This makes even the smallest of interactions a big deal. This makes every day and every moment monumental.
I cant wait to start a new year looking at each day through His eyes. Why are you so good to me?

Post-party-fun

What a perfect Saturday in our pajamas recalling the stories from the Christmas party. I love these girls!

"Smack that" ski team after a few hard days on the slopes. This weekend was a close glimpse of heaven!

Peak 10 lunch stop. Breckenridge, Colorado.

God lives in Colorado

Too many details and wonderful moments to recount at the moment but I found where God's master bedroom is....just a few states left of here in the Rockies. Beauty abounds in these snow-capped mountains. I can't believe I just now have experienced such perfection in creation! Pictures to come.
I am so refreshed!

Isaiah (thanks Fran!) 61

I can't get this out of my head....Read and enjoy. How beautiful.
Whatever season this is in this life this psalm is the melody.
Praise God for today....oh if I could only tell all the details.
One day........

The Year of the Lord's Favor
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has annoited me to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me (Jesus, kids, not me) to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor.


Ahhhh.......Thank you, God, for these words that fill me up. Thank you today for your physical presence in tangible ways that I do not deserve.

Mark my words

So on lighter notes not having to deal with teeth and tools and funky dentist smells (see below) I want to move to Spain. Seriously. maybe not Spain but somewhere and Spain keeps coming up. Im not going to talk about this alot at all. I'd rather see it happen. Nonetheless, yesterday was a big day and for some reason my eyes finally saw things that have been right in front of me for several years now. Ive been pleading with God daily for some direction and for passion for anything and yet I realized yesterday that my initial instincts may have been the very thing I had been searching for. I have been in a world far far away for the past 2 days as I start to dream how this might become a reality. I realized yesterday too that I dont have to convince anyone else of why I might go. The reasons are my own and they may not work for anyone else. I want to experience God on a different level. I want to trust my instincts, trust God and actually follow through with something I have talked about for way too long now. I want to be a do-er and not just a dreamer. I want to have the opportunity to allow God's faithfulness intersect my faith in order to see where He might take me. My only plan right now is to pray daily for clarity (if that ever really happens in anything) and for details to be worked out.

I am beaming today! Hasta luego....

I'd rather have tapeworm

In 5th or 6th grade (mama, pull out the 12 boxes in the basement of all my trophies and figure out which year this was) I won a writing contest for writing about how much I loathed the dentist. I don't use the word loathe for any other subject than this......the scraping of your teeth with the metal pick, the taste of the gritty toothpaste or better yet the new and improved, baking soda wash as it drips down your throat, the hygenist hovering inches over your mouth, xrays, rubber gloves shoved down your throat while trying to stick a whole fist and some floss in your mouth....yuck yuck yuck. I have to go home now - I am sick just recalling it. All of this to use the word 'loathe.'
So I wrote a short story about it. They liked it and I then gave it to my dentist as a token of my affection.
Well since then I have found God's gift to the dentistry profession. My new dentist slaps you with a mask to inhale laughing gas the moment you walk in the door even if it is just to pay the bill. All of the ladies wear bright make up and have big hair and they talk in very high voices like you are in a fairy tale. And that is only the beginning. Once you get to the back you are brought to a Led Zeppelin or Beatles themed room. The chair comes equipt with a full body massager (which makes me nervous to use if anyone is going to stick a sharp object in my mouth.) On the wall and on the ceiling there is a tv so even when you are lying down you arent missing any daytime television. They have the best fleece blankets that they lay over your legs so you cant dare get chilly. More so, if you are really bothered by the sound there are headphones that tune into the tv and block out the outside noise and if that doesnt work - there is always more laughing gas.

This year my dental insurance changed and my own little dentist-disney world is no longer in network. I am stubborn and pay for things that are of value to me - so I still see my lovely dentist and just pay an arm and a leg to do so.
This may be the end of our relationship though. Yesterday, after going more than a quarter century with beautiful little chompers - I am told the not so good news that I have the start of not only one but 2 CAVITIES in the back of my teeth. Devastation.
I am not exaggerating. I lost it yesterday over 2 cavities. Perfectionist much? No.

Can they put me under to fill cavities? I think I will take off a week of work. This is possibly one of my worst nightmares. More so, I wont be able to go to my happy dental friend because it will cost me nearly $400 to do it out of network and about a fraction of that if I go to someone they tell me to go to. I hate being told what to do. I am not good with authority. Who is MetLife anyway?
Nonetheless, I think Id rather a colonoscopy or tapeworm over a cavity. Oops, sorry, 2 cavities!!!!

hibernation

Just like our furry mammal cousins I have been hiding away for the winter and storing food. Literally. This week has been wonderfully refreshing and even now at a few minutes to 9 on a beautiful Sunday morning - I am going to squeeze even the last drop of pleasure out of this past week with a pumpkin spice latte, the last pages of my book and some egg whites -light cheese.

I love Thanksgiving week. It's the holiday everyone American celebrates regardless of religion or background. And I think you might agree that there is nothing more invigorating than a thankful heart. I couldn't help but sing praise to God throughout the last few days. My whole family was home. My phone didn't ring for work. My mama's cookin may have given me a little muffin top tummy over my pants (nice). The weather couldn't have been more fabulous. I love post Thanksgiving football in Athens. My house is clean. Ample time for long runs. Sleep is abundant. Ive had time to take all the dance classes I want. God is smiling upon me and showing me favor and I am thankful. I am truly thankful. I am thankful that my heart is quiet. This season has been one of those full of memories and excitement and blessings galore but yet I keep anticipating something more. It's tiring to live like this. As I have said all year -I know God is preparing me for something but I have worn myself out trying to figure out that something until lately. Lately, I have learned to be still and cling to the truths that I know. God wants glory. He wants to use me for His glory. He wants to show everyone His love. He will use me to do this. He is always preparing me for whatever is next whether or not I know it and that is faith. And even though I may not see the evidence He is at work in me. And that is what I am most thankful for of all.
Back to hibernating for the rest of this day.

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever.
Psalm 30:11-12.

sweet addiction

I have had a headache now for over a week. Every single day a headache. Not the kind that are wiped out with a few Tylenol either. Like I have to go to my bed right now with my heating pad and lay in the fetal position for the next day until the world comes to an end type of headache. Nothing is necessarily obscure about my daily routine.....nothing sans the caffeine. Honestly, until this weekend it didn't even dawn on me that my decision or subliminal decision to not drink coffee in the mornings would have such a toll on my precious little buddy. I mean, seriously, I am a self-controlled-things in moderation type girl and no thing nor food nor person has that much hold on me...........except for the lies I tell myself.

I am officially addicted and I guess the same way it happens for those of you who choose to partake in the devils water or cigarettes or what have you (I don't know all of you so know that was sarcastic) it happens subconsciously.

I wake up in the morning with ease and travel down the stairs to our red kitchen and without thinking nor really measuring I pour enough coffee grinds into our $20 coffee maker to make the whole house smell delicious (makes my head hurt just saying it) and then I pour just enough water to fill one over sized coffee cup. I mosey back up the stairs and carry on. No thought. Nearly half the time I used to not even drink this nectar from the Gods - it was more for the routine and the smell. It slows me down in the morning and I love to hold it. Lately, without any decision - I drink it. Every morning. Every drop. Gone. I dont really notice any difference in my behavior because I don't even notice that I drink it. Well, last week I fortunately ran out of coffee filters and jolted out the door without thought. 45 minutes later I cant see straight from the pain in the back of my head and behind my eyes. I take every drug I can find, drink lots of water, go home early and call in sick and I even complain to my mama as every co-dependent daughter does whether it's a splinter or labor pains (though I am assuming I wont be as co-dependent if that ever happens). The next day - same thing. This time I convince everyone else that I am dying.
I didnt die. Yet.
How long will this go on? How long does my body wish to penalize me for things I didnt know I was doing? No amount of water or Tylenol or sleep or crack can alleviate this matter (ps - if you ever have to take the GRE I am pretty positive the word alleviate is one of the top 100 words that they use. Really.) So, that is sweet addiction numero uno. I havent bought coffee filters because I indirectly wish to not drink coffee. Its not the coffee. Its the control. I like to think nothing can control me and then so gently God so intricately reminds me that I am in control of nothing.

Okay, a few more..... not as detrimental to society but nonetheless, effectively harmful agents in my daily routine.

Running. I love to run hills and run them fast until my legs feel like they are stuck to the pavement and can not move another inch. Weird. Call me old or emotional or just odd but I think I cry everytime I run these days because I know that someday soon I wont be able to (surgery in the future in case you wonder). I bought new shoes last week and they make me run fast. I wore them the first time last Thursday. I ran as the sun went down. I ran my favorite stretch that you are familiar with in about 2 minutes. I opened my hands and felt like I was running right through a painting. I am addicted to the little natural drugs that are released at 3/4th's of a way through the run. Endorphins are my addiction and you dont get any of these doing too much of anything else.

Rolling down the windows despite the weather. I think I was supposed to be a bird. This morning - 46 degrees on the Explorer's thermometer and the first thing I do before defrosting the windshield is roll down my window and let the cold air hit my nose. No worries though, I have the butt-warmer on and the mix of sensations is the perfect start to a morning and helps with the lack of caffeine thing. This isnt necessarily a harmful obsession but a subconscious one nonetheless.

And I'll admit it. Writing. This is why I ended the beloved blog several weeks ago. I could sit in my own fantasy world all day long and just write every possible scenario and make stories of even the paint drying on the wall and I could be happy. I dont know that anyone would pay me nor would anyone read but I dont care.
Hence the lack of posts these days. I have to feel some sort of control whether or not I even recognize that God is ultimately in the hot seat - not me. So I am making progress on this front but filling one vice with another isnt the healthiest of recovery plans. Right?

Lastly, I almost ended without stating the obvious but I cant lie. FB. I cant even say the words because I am steering clear of any temptation (this hour that is). If you dont know what I am talking about - you dont need to. It is bad for your imagination, for your production and ruins any consistency in your day. I will do 4.5 minutes of work and then play on FB for no reason. There are worse things I could do with my boredom, yes, I agree but nonetheless - I have become slave to FB if it has the answer to my career path. There I said it. It is public and once made public then I have a much better chance of kicking it to the curb.

And I almost forgot but this goes without saying.....you guessed it, Animal Crackers. Yes the Stauffers kind. $1.68 at Kroger and $1.50 for a larger bag at WalMart. I like them lightly toasted. I mostly like the hands and feet of the animals and the giraffe looking animals make my mouth water. If I ever truly thought that I had no strong holds in my life - I am a liar. I may have spent a downpayment on a house in these little bags of joy since highschool. I've already registered for them on my wedding registry. No, I am not dating anyone but a girl has dreams of her wedding and these are mine.

And the list goes on....
-Orbitz sweet mint gum
-dancing in any mirror I walk by. Anywhere.
-Mat Kearney and Shawn McDonald over and over and over and over in my car, on Harry the ipod
-having no unheard messages in my voicemail box but yet never answering my phone when it rings
-Soduko
-talking about Jesus. Can't stop. And I wont try. This is my sweetest addiction.

Embracing the Calm

Oprah, Beth Moore and pumpkin spice latte's from Starbucks are my three vices these days. Here is what it feels like.....there is a movie in the background and all of the scenes are going by 5 times the speed of reality. And then there is me walking at normal pace in front of the scene. Lollygagging if you will. Hands in my pocket. Licking a blowpop or sipping my pumpkin spice latte.
And the three things that help me take the next slow step are my drugs mentioned above. If you only read this paragraph you would think I am suicidal. Oh, contrary, Mary Mary.

I just can't seem to move at the pace that everything else around me seems to be moving. Every morning that I am not teaching classes at the break of dawn I become the eternal housewife. I sleep in a little later. Finally mosey out of bed, make some coffee and eggs. Sit on the couch under the perfect down comforter. I read Beth Moore til I start talking like her in her perfect southern accent. Then I clean. make my bed. Run a bubble bath and soak in it as if there was nothing else in the day for me to do. Candles and all. I take my time getting dressed and then hope that someone wants to have lunch with me.
WHAT AM I WRITING? IS THIS REALLY ME? Have you EVER known me to sit on the couch? There is friction right now in this routine just enough to make me wonder that maybe I shouldn't do this forever but not enough to make me question my work ethics. I need the down time. I can't remember another season of life where I allowed my energy to dictate the pace of my day. Typically I set several almost undoable appointments and I time block my whole day until the whole day is covered with things to do. And whether or not I have the strength to do it all I run on adrenaline and get a whole heck of alot of mostly-non-mandatory things done. But I get stuff done and that is what makes me tick! So, not that those things to do have gone anywhere but for some reason my tenacity to do all of them has left the room. Out the front door.

here is my take on it all for what it is worth. God is always preparing us for the next season. Normally, I don't recognize this when I am in the season before "The Season." But this time for some reason I know that I am being prepared rather than being ignored (oh, how thankful I am that we learn these things eventually.) Life is comfortable right now. Everything I do from work to workouts to church to the grocery store exists in a 4.1 mile radius. I live in Atlanta and never experience traffic. I am in a fast-paced sales job and though business could always be better - it's enough to live on these days. My family is 30 minutes away from me. I have thick, rich, creamy friendships enough to turn all the hate in the world into love. There are no male intruders in my life to make me feel anything less than I should. Life is easy. Almost too easy. I am not trying to bring on the hard stuff (though I do cherish the growth process that comes with trials.) I just know for once the it is quiet right now for a reason. God is rejoicing over me with singing right now. I have been showered with encouragement and positive affirmation lately both literally from friends and coworkers but also from my Creator. My role is to take to heart what He has been saying to me because I know a day draws near where I will need to feel deep down these affirmations. This is the quiet before the storm. Not to say that it has to be a terrible, destructive storm but a storm nonetheless where things are different and not so calm.

Until that day comes I will wake up to my eggs and my downtime on the couch with Beth Moore. I'll stroll through my day paying attention to only the things that I have committed to doing (this involves work). Ill come home and put the shades down and let Oprah tell me what is going on in the world. Ill even watch the commercials and then at night, like the last few, Ill make the 1.6 mile trek to one of 4 Starbucks on my street and order my newest love from Leo - the friendly Baristo. And all the while my lips will praise Him for the songs of praise and affirmation that He is pouring over me. All the while, too, I will delight in your words and letters and emails of affirmation and I will eat every single word up with a spoon and even lick the bowl because I know He is building me up for the next season.

The Lord your God is with you
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17-18

Splenid Sat started from fabulous Friday with our 'grounded' small group girls! Go see Facing the Giants if you havent already. Seriously. Go. 

Splendid Saturday

When I was a camp counselor at Camp Greystone a few summers ago we literally heard the bugle in the morning and sat up, clapped our hands and said it's gonna be a great day and I feel terrific! I had no problem doing this as you can imagine because I have always been a morning person. I had normally already been up for a an hour so I was annoyingly peppy I am sure. My campers never had quite the enthusiasm but nonetheless, they did start their day the same way.
Admittedly, I dont start all my mornings this way now. But when I do...I do back handsprings out of bed right down the stairs to my bowl of Wheaties and I do feel terrific. This morning was no exception. Look outside, really, right now - look outside, God's glory is shining right down through a flawless sky onto each sharp red and brilliant yellow leaf. Fall is in full force and for some reason this fall is different. This time of year has always done something for me. It seems like every year I am amazed even more that God would once again do what He does best - create. Each fall I can feel the itestity of creation stirring all the way through my fingertips. Two nights ago I went out to run just as the temperature had dropped about 15 degrees. I knew that if I got through the first mile and a half there was a treasure waiting for miles 2-6. There is a strech of this run (Charlsie, you know it) where you are literally running through a canvas of every color fathomable. Above me, to the right, in front of me....you can open your arms and spin cirles and feel like you are in a kaliedescope. I rounded the corner on this unusually chilly night and out of nowhere tears start falling down my cheeks. And they dont stop. I wasnt crying. Not crying like you think of it. But yes tears were falling off my cheek and hitting my hand as I ran. Everything that the fall weather and the refreshing change of season encompasses came rushing in at once and I was overwhelmed. More so, God's nearness was obvious. Not just on that stretch of the run but lately. Why, God, have you chosen to give me the insight that you have? Why have you affirmed me when your character alone should be enough for me to worship you for the rest of my days? My tears fell because I knew that I have been lavished with blessings. This is always true but somehow this year God has given me an unusual ability to see them - even when you say they arent blessings. The professor in my class Thursday said that God is always preparing us for the next thing. Of course, you say. But think about what you are doing right now? Are you questioning your job path? Are you in the middle of a community of friends who are encouraging you and supporting you? Is it quiet? Do you hear nothing? Is your family being ripped at the seams and it seems at though no one could understand? Has something recently turned for the worse and everything you thought would happen has fallen apart? GOD IS PREPARING YOU FOR THE NEXT THING. Right now God is literally singing songs of praise over me and He has chosen to affirm me and I FEEL TERRIFIC. I dont feel terrific because the weather is so great and I have good business and have plenty do on the social calendar. I FEEL TERRIFIC because I know fully that I am alive because Christ is in me! That is the only sustainable reason that I can feel this TERRIFIC despite the lack of evidence that things are going well.

So I go side tracked - every other fall, yes, the colors and the cool air invigorate me. Every year I am overwhelmed by God's continous display of His creativity. This year there is something more. This year I am confident. I am in a whirlwind when it comes to life direction but I am so confident that God has me here that it just makes everything seem a little lighter.

Tonight I am putting on a fabulous champagne colored dress. I am wearing stilettos and my toes are red. No one is at home today and I have several hours to clean and sing and smell the fresh air through my open windows. I'll wear my favorite clean smelling scent and my dangle bracelets that cling together everytime I take a step. The sun is shining through the living room window enough to warm the room but as the afternoon fall sun so often does - it doesnt intimidate. I am here right now on this splendid Saturday for a reason. I am alone. And for the first time in a while I love it. Tonight Ill look great and Ill feel refreshed and everyone will ask what I did and why I feel so great and I will know it is because of the leaves and the cool air and the accumulation of the blessings that God has chosen to make known to me. When you allow Him to penetrate your heart - down to the very core - it is evident even in your smile. This may be the cheapest beauty trick a girl could know. I love Saturdays!

Twas much that man was made like God long before
but that God should become like man
that much more.

John Donne

Preach the gospel always,
If necessary use words.

St. Francis of Assisi

broken promises

I know. I promised. I let you down. I havent come through. I will when it is right. This week I can't keep my head out of the clouds....I can't seem to make any decisions and I honestly dont even know how I like my eggs cooked.

Here is what I do know:
- I am full from this past weekend of rich rich blessings.
-This week has been bitter in that the weekend fromheaven is over and sweet in that it was so so good and beyond just the goodness in the pictures.
- I have slept like a professional this week. The kind of sleep that is interrupted for nothing except Tuesday I woke myself up crying because I dreamed I was going back to college and had to live in a room with my sister with turquoise walls. (love you mary - turquise walls overwhelm me obviously.) Literally, crying y'all!!!
-The warm in my bed is in perfect combination with the ice that is hanging from my bedroom doorway. Hence the ability to stay in my bed in the morning and continue to dream crazy things.
-I LOVE my trampoline. Ooops....take that back. I dont have a trampoline (on the record.) Charlsie says we could be sued for just having it in the back yard whether or not it is ever used. Charlsie can now write JD after her name so she knows. My non-trampoline that I dont have has the most amazing bounce in it because it is so old and rustic. You can literally touch the top of the perfectly painted trees.
-Sweet potatoes have all the nutrients needed for some cultures to survive. Sweet potatoes are so vital to the Duna people for survival and for their economy. I am class these days as you should know and last week we learned about the amazing Duna people in Papa NewGuinea (i honestly have no start as to how to spell that...Ill look it up if I remember). The instructor had lived among them for years. The first few years he spent just learning and writing down their language because it had never been done. Naturally, (but is it so natural?) after several more years the Duna people began to learn from the 'white man' that lived among them. He continued to show us the story of the Duna people and their remarkable step of faith. Our professor taught them about the saving grace of Jesus. Where in the gospels Jesus says I am the bread of Life....the Duna people have no concept of bread because all supplies aside from harvested food is flown in every few months. Hence bread is a rarity. But the Duna understand sweet potatoes! When a Duna man or woman becomes a follower of Jesus they say that Jesus lives in their stomach because like me, their stomach is where they believe their soul is....I like these folks! More so, Jesus IS their sweet potato. Jesus is my chocolate chip cookie with peanut butter morsels. He is my vanilla latte! I love the simple faith of these people. I love that I get to learn about them and I love that God has completely transformed every thought I ever had before about my faith through this class. God, why bless me to hear such beautiful stories? To whom much is given much can be expected right?
- I know that my family is in town tomorrow night and mama is cooking and there is nothing in town I would rather do than eat mama's cookin and drink wine and tell stories and feel my family's unconditional love.
- I know NOTHING is certain and still I am embracing my uncertainty.
-I know I can't wait for a day of rain to hopefully slow me down.
- I know the house is clean and I feel terrific because I am results oriented and would clean the house 4 times over just to feel the satisfaction I feel when cleaning. OCD? Never.
- I know I miss Ashley, Charlsie and my other house guests.

I know I know nothing but will treat each day as a new one full of opportunities to share my joy with you and your neighbor and their sister and your mother's friend! God's joy is for everyone!

Preach the gospel everywhere and when necessary use words. That's what I know....Thank you Francis!

Life is good..... 

So full

It feels like the afternoon after Thanksgiving dinner where everything creamy and cheesy and sinful is just sitting in my belly. I lie on the sofa and watch the boys watch football and just smile because I am so full and so content. This weekend was decadent. This weekend was nutritious. This weekend was energizing. This weekend does not have a word to label it. I am so full that my joy is literally popping out of my fingernails.

I want to come through your screen and sit in front of you and let you see my face. My cheeks are glowing. My eyes are bright. I am so full.

Forgive me too as I am so full I have to go to bed. The richness of the weekend has hit me and I must crawl into my warm bed in my cold room and continue to thank God for the ooey gooey middle of the oreo that I experienced this weekend. My cuppeth truly runneth over.


Sweet potato and weekend stories to come.

Jesus is my sweet potato

You are going to want to come back for this one.
Stay tuned.

simple

All of life comes down to just one thing and that's to know you, Jesus, and to make you known.
That's it.
I won't lie. I have a hard time seperating that one thing from everything else I am supposed to do, need to do, want to do, from what is done to me. Every single decision, encounter, desire, ambition, interaction, experience, goal, relationship, trial, accomplishment, word, date, possibility, opportunity - all of it - it is about just that one thing.

I pray that I am thirsty for the first part of the sentence so that the last part of the sentence is as natural buckling my seatbelt or brushing my teeth. It's a scary thing to pray for thirst for knowledge of God because often times we most learn about His character when we experience Him firsthand and often times those hands on experiences do not come without trials. Therefore, I haven't whole heartedly prayed this maybe ever but I know I am at a place where I want to truly know Him above any thing else. The more I know You the more I can reflect You. The more I reflect You the more You are seen. The more You are seen the more You are invited to do even more than I could have expected by just wanting to know You more.

All of life truly does come down to just this one sentence with a powerful and in the middle. The two go hand in hand. If you know him you'll want to make Him known.

Sensation overload

I had to leave the living room with all of my roommates to be able to write this in hopes to recreate it in my head. As I was running today at the mountain I was writing this entire blog. I wanted to savor every single parcel of this run today. Every color, every rain drop, every step, every breath, every break in the trees, every leaf.....every last ounce of it. Kennesaw mountain is literally heaven to me. I've eurorailed through Europe, rode a fairy in the midst of the Swiss alps. Ive hiked part of the Grand Canyon and seen the shores of Costa Rica. Not that I am Carmen Sandiego or anything but I have seen some pretty fascinating places. My mountain surpasses it all. The trails around the mountain during the start of fall are my very own walk to Emmaus..
Every time I set foot on the back part of the trails I feel 16 again. After school let out and cheerleading practice was over I would head up to Burnt Hickory and run the long hill through the woods, across the bridge to the Cheatham Hill monument. Usually, I timed it just perfect so that as I made the near 6 mile (roundtrip) trek home the sun would start to fall right behind me. I'd climb the .25 mile up Pigeon Hill and watch the rest of the sun fall behind the clouds. Just typing that makes everything else seem a little lighter. These days the trees have grown just so that you can barely see over them at the top of the hill...Reminder that life truly is all around us whether we are present to experience it.
Today I ran the first leg of the run maybe the fastest I have ran in a long time. I am not sure where this energy came from. I had set aside this day to rest from the craziness over the last few weeks and all of a sudden I find myself sprinting up the hill. I made it to the end of the near 3 miles in record time and then turned to head back to the car. It took me about the same time to get back but it literally felt like hours that I was roaming through the woods. I didn't pass one person on the way home. Let me try my best to describe this to you. I really wanted each of you to experience this today.
There is color splashed all around you as if you are literally in the middle of one of those paintings that the older-bearded man does on tv. There is just enough orange and yellow to know that the colder weather is right around the corner. The orange smells slightly sweet with a little bit of tartness - just the way it looks. It's that same smell that you remember when you were younger and you'd smell on Saturdays when you woke up and the doors were open and the whole backyard was covered in an array or brown and orange and red and yellow. You'd throw on some dirty jeans and a sweat shirt and hit the backyard to jump in the plethora of color. Okay, back to today....The trees are still very covered with leaves so except for the occasional breaks in the trees - you are literally running through a tunnel of amazing colors. But then you do hit a break in the trees and there is a small hole that lets the tired-afternoon rays of the sun right through. Today as I ran the last mile I could tell that the sun was just about to dip right behind me. Everything was oddly still and slightly dim for the time of day and I started to feel an occasional rain drop. The rain fell the last mile home just enough to cool me off but not enough to cause me to think twice about it and then as I rounded the last corner and the trees began to break there was truly the most glorious sunset I have tasted in a long time. It was one of those odd afternoons where the clouds are bright and the sun bounces behind them and the blue in the sky radiates but for some weird reason and from no where there is rain. I don't count any of this as coincidence. I ran with my ipod but I had it off the majority of the time as it is one of my favorite times to thank God for my legs and my knees that work marginally and for my heavy breathing and for the solitude and the energy and the color and the smell and the sounds and the serenity of this place so close to the city. But as I passed the break in the trees I turned on the ipod to find the most fitting song for the moment. The shuffle button was on (my favorite) and without even touching a thing I hear the song of all 968 that I wanted to hear. I really don't believe in coincidence.

You come to me to lay aside the worries of my day
To quiet down the busy mind
Find a hiding place
Worthy
Worthy
Open up my heart and let my spirit worships Yours
Open up my mouth and let a song of praise come forth
Worthy
You are worthy
Of a childlike faith
And of my honest praise
And of my unashamed loved
Of a holy life
And of my sacrifice
And of my unashamed love

The violin sings in the background as if there is a perfect soundtrack to this entire scene. I open my hands and run the last 1/10 of a mile as hard and as fast as I can, past my body's threshold and I sing Worthy, You are worthy over and over and over....

What is funny is that I used to do this because I was a runner. I craved a tough 7 or so mile run daily. People new I liked to run. People saw me run. They wanted to know how to run and they'd ask. I hadn't done any phenomenal running type things but I just ran alot and anywhere....Italy, Athens 400 times over, California, camp, in the morning, late at night....you name it. I liked this identity. I didn't realize at the time that it labeled me at all or that maybe I had self-labeled my desire to run. As you know, the past 2 years my running abilities have been extremely limited and to be completely honest any running I do these days is in complete defiance of my body's natural radar for pain. My knees throb at the thought of running but there is a part of me that will not stop until I really can't. The last surgeon I went to suggested a rare surgery in order to hopefully fix my knees so I could enjoy the quality of life I desire. This means a year in rehab overall to fully heal both legs. I have had too much other stuff lately going on to even consider this option. Therefore, I take Mobic, the miracle drug, and run through the pain hoping that along one of these runs I might run into my old identity again. I want it back - I wont lie. You always want what you cant have....but as much as I want it back I know that my inability to run the way I would like is for a reason. Maybe I never really was a runner and maybe you never thought that about me but in some weird way the world told me I was that kind of achiever and I have fought 2 years now to hold on to whatever it is that I had thought about myself.

Nonetheless, whenever I get to run freely and without time limit like today I literally praise God for every single step. I know the day is near when I really wont be able to last through the pain and I honestly can not imagine not being able to get lost in the scenery as I did today. You can't do that in a pool. You cant do that in a gym. It can only happen outside - among God's creation. It's not the same from a car window or even a high mountain. No postcard nor picture nor video camera nor blog can fully recreate the magnitude and gratitude for my experiences deep in the woods. You are truly worthy, God, of all of my praise.

Now to ice my knees and pray for yet another experience like today in the near future. Thank You.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And I didn't even mention the icing on the cake. After my afternoon in Eden I went to mama's house for some home cookin! Are you kidding me? Is this really my life. Cute Carter was home and we enjoyed the most fabulous dinner, twice baked potatoes and all and then we saw mama and daddy's pictures from their recent trip. I saw picture after picture after picture of the Swiss Alps that mama and daddy hiked and played in for 2 weeks. I 'ooed' and 'ahhhed' and I meant it whole heartedly but a little part of me knew that my run through the woods today takes home the cake. God's glory is literally right below us. Thank you, God, for my 5 lovely senses!

Post-baptism. Lovely. 

Slow dancin in a burning room

You had me at "hello, Birmingham", Mr. Mayer. Never before have I really been a die hard John Mayer fan. I tend to steer away from anything too mainstream or so I think. I was asked to take a day trip to the lovely town of Birmingham yesterday in order to be seduced under the stars. I accepted the invitation gladly and then rushed out Friday to buy the new cd. This was fun in itself. Normally I just download the new cd's that interest me but do you recall the joy of actually holding a real CD case? Invigorating. Nonetheless, I have stained the cd the last 4 days. I mean over and over and over and over. Mayer hit the spot in his latest cd titled, Continuum. It's everything I like in my ears. A little bluesy part jazz mostly soulful but an all around body massage to your ears. You feel me? It is good! Anyway, lastnight I swayed and shimmied all night to Mayer's smooth voice and the occassional brass horn in the background. Aghhh......my heart was stolen lastnight and I have a feeling Ill be riding this cloud all week long.

I was on craigslist today trying to see if I could secure a ticket for the Atlanta show this weekend. I may be that girl and go both nights. 3 days to make something happen, Betsy!

20/20 vision not so much these days. Thanks Paige and Keri for making me laugh until my stomach cramps!  

I love my highschoolers! Happy 16th Katherine! 

Certainly uncertain

My mama called me today to give me a recap on her 2 weeks in Germany and Switzerland. I feel like my parents were gone for months and in between there was a whole bunch of life that happened. I really missed them too. Normally when they take these trips they are contacting us so often that I barely notice they are gone but this time I really missed talking to my parents especially amid the ups and downs of the past few weeks.
So naturally she asked me how my week was and how my job is...her usual questions. To be honest, I really don't even have the energy to think about how my week or day was. I have overstretched myself again from work to volunteering to planning things, small group to birthdays and the like. I work best though when I am over extended. I have accomplished more things on that eternal checklist in the last 2 weeks than I have all year! I crave that type of pressure as I love seeing things checked off the list. Whether there is any benefit nor true reward in this - I don't know? Anyway, how was my week in one word...rich.
So rich you can only really take one bite of it...enough to taste it enjoy it but then you got to put the fork down for a little bit. God has opened my eyes to so much lately that I find my head churning at every red light, in the shower and everywhere in between.
God is BIG. Big isn't big enough to describe the big that I am thinking.
The end.

I wish I could just say that and have it's full meaning seep into your brain. My class this week was revolutionary. The professor was no extraordinary speaker even though she had done extraordinary things. Her delivery was solid though and you could tell because of her experiences that her words were filled with passion and personal conviction. She spoke specifically on the movement of the gospel from Jerusalem 2006 years ago. You know when you are listening to something and then you literally get swept up in the words and then your mouth hangs open and you find yourself literally experiencing whatever you are hearing? This is me. Mouth wide open, drool and that odd/ugly face that shows that I obviously don't think anyone is watching. Nice.
She gave beautiful specific examples of how the early disciples carried the message of Jesus' life and resurrection to those directly in their sphere of influence and then slowly to those who were not like them. She told stories of people and nations that had taken a stand for their beliefs in order that today we are even exposed to the truths in the bible. People have been passionate about their faith in Jesus for a long time! Newsflash to me. Seriously, somehow the pop culture that I tend to thrive in has made me think that our passion for authentic Truth is something unprecedented. I was so humbled to hear the stories of maybe one man living and dying in order to pass on the Truth that he had found. One man in particular was St. Patrick. When I think St. Patrick I think Savannah and green beer. Our professor on the other hand gave us a moving story of an Irish boy sold into slavery. This same boy eventually ends up impacting his entire nation for Christ. Cheers to that!
What a powerful feeling to realize as MJ said best once himself, you are not alone! I am encouraged by feeling the power that is unleashed as you realize that history has been shaped by the same undying passion that I feel for God among ordinary people just like me.
This was all Thursday night. Skip to Friday.
I am literally sitting on the grassy knoll outside of the conference center in which I am volunteering. It is 75 degrees and not a cloud in the sky and my friends, 10,000 other leaders and a few of my friends were soaking up the afternoon after a morning of fabulous teaching. We end up meeting some conference attenders that were out of towners. We make great small talk and 6 hours later we are all sitting around a dinner table enjoying eachothers stories and introductions. God is so big.
Had you asked me if our little fortunate encounter would bare any impact on my week when we first met I would have told you it was like any other casual meeting (of what happens to be cute boys!) Then, as I sit happily among new friends and old I have one of those oddly comforting moments when you know that there a lot more than what meets the eye. Our new friends are extremely talented soccer players who have used their God-given skills to take them to countries I couldn't begin to pronounce. They go to play soccer and they go to share the love of God. One of our newest friends does this as a living every single day. God is working through a little white and black ball. How refreshing to sit among someone who has his passion and purpose written on his heart. Earlier that day my friend Sally asked me if I was ready to know what it is that God wanted to do with me. Often I so easily say that I want to do something bigger and bolder with my days. Then Sally asks this question and I wonder if I even know yet what it is that I want to be bigger and bolder for???
Hence the title of this random post - I am certain about one thing when it comes to my role here on this side of heaven: I am uncertain. I am uncertain and I am perfectly okay with that. This week I fully realized the power in the present moment. As I say often but obviously I don't listen to myself - I am where I am right now for a reason. Maybe I do not even know yet what it is that I am supposed to be passionate about...is it corporate ministry??? Is it singles in the city of Atlanta? Is it starving African children or is it simply (but profoundly) those unnoticed people that run in and out of each of our days? No answer. I do know certainly though that my uncertainty is not left to fend for itself. I have learned that I am where I am for a reason and I am learning something for some reason yet to be known. I am being molded and refined and though I thought it should have happened a year or two ago - God is always refining something. Thank, God, right? How dreadful to be complacent in the middle of uncertainty? Yuck.
So, yes, mama, my week was great. I enjoyed taking bubble baths in your jaccuzzi tub while you were away and I enjoyed making my eggs in the morning on your luxurious stove that so perfectly makes my eggs. I loved spending time with my baby sister and I loved having someone else to worry about. I attended an amazing conference and I was able to run every afternoon at the mountain at the perfect time of day. The weather has been perfect and my business is doing great. I am uncertain though and I love it! My eyes have been opened even more so to the small but intricate role I may be playing in the big story of God. I feel like I have said this for 2 years now but I know God is up to something even amid the uncertainty. I know I will be used and even better - I even know in my refinement I am being used now. What I'll be doing next month? Great question. The only thing I know is the only thing I need to know is that God knows and I don't and I trust. Among all the uncertainty I trust.

I think I can take another bite now.

Love love love

I love printing lots and lots of papers on my HP LaserJet 1160 and then holding them close to my chest and letting them warm my little arms.
That is so weird!
For the third time today I have killed yet another Pine tree I suppose by printing out my old cell phone bill statements. Hold all 22 warm pages right close to you and it does wonders. Then, even better - since I dont open bills that come in the mail until tax time, I have been reading through the 22 or 23 pages that outline each and every phonecall.
This is weird too!
You can really see where your time goes. I have come to despise the cell phone. More so, I despise text messaging unless you have a really good message. I love the PIN feature on crackberry though so pin the heck out of me.

And one more thing I love love love today....buying pants one size too big! I have had 4 lovely angels ask if I was eating these days cause my clothes looked big! What a novel idea, Betsy. I might write this trick in a book and sell it to all you crazy people who fall for the newest fad diet every week. I'll make a fortune, give half away and buy a large boat with a double deck and live on it in the Atlantic somewhere down near the Georgia islands. I love love love the Georiga coast along with my warm papers and oversized pants.

On to Starbucks for my tall vanilla latte over ice that I love love love when it is a little warm outside. There I will do my homework for my class tomorrow night that I love love love. I even love love love homework these days!

Make it a great Wednesday, kids. Fall is here and I love love love fall!

Nothing by chance

It's not merely a luck of the draw that I am sitting on my parent's back porch on a random Tuesday in October. My parents are travelling in Europe and I am doing a terrible job of attending to my teenage sister. No worries, mama, no parties or body piercings that I know of, I only forgot she needed lunch yesterday - that's all. I needed this week with my sister though. I couldn't have timed our week together any more perfectly. Busyness is no excuse for any relationship but recently without admitting it it has been my excuse with many people I adore. Every relationship that means anything to us has to be worked on more than a few times a year. It is extrememly inconvenient playing mom for a week when everything you do happens within a 4 mile radius inside the perimeter. It is inconvenient too trying to secure any type of business for the month. I am truly blessed by the inconvenience though. Amid my 'single' lifestyle - It is so refreshing to have someone else to worry about during the day. I am so grateful that I am where I am in my career that I can casually work from remotely this week and really enjoy having some responsibility aside from caring for myself.
Yesterday, too, an unexpected gift landed in my lap. I almost hate to even mention it due to the whole counting chickens theory. This sounds routine to anyone in my business but I know it isnt just chance that a huge chunk of my October business literally landed on my doorstep! People in my industry would point to the 3 years I have worked hard for opportunities like the one I received yesterday to come my way. But this was nothing I did, really. My good fortune yesterday is alot more than just a good number to put on the sales board. It is much more than a paycheck as well. I am sure I do not even know fully the effects but I do know it is more than just another sale. It is God knowing I needed the confidence. It is Him knowing that this small step was a critical part of a story He is putting together involving my career direction. I am not sure where things are headed. I couldnt even tell you what might happen tomorrow but I know there is a plan. I know I was called to be used boldly. "Called" sounds kinda silly. I didn't hear anything but I have been confirmed when I dont even deserve confirmation that God wants to use me mightly to do His work here on earth. There is no better an opportunity than to know your passions and skills are being used for God's glory. There is no greater rush to your veins than feeling like you are right in the middle of God's will for your life.
I'm not there but I am motivated by the energy that I feel when I am.

There is only one response to this and it is not by chance that a dear friend of mine emailed this to me about 45 minutes ago. Thank You for eveidence of Your hand in my life.

I will thank you, Lord, with all my heart;
I will tell of all the marvelous things you have done.
I will be filled with joy because of you.
I will sing praises to your name, O Most High.
(Psalm 9:1)

Abundance

It seems like anything that comes these days comes in abundance. Whether is is praise or opportunities or business or plans or stresses or good weather or decisions. Usually I would associate abundance in a striclty positive light and though I love experiencing abundance I am no so sure it's implications are always positive. This week it all came at once and I honestly can't tell you what flipped the switch this particular week but something happened and what seems like eons later I am so full. Actually, I am wobbling around I am so full.

In about 3 hours this week I secured the amount of business I would normally spend a whole month on. You know I dont think anything is by luck or coincedence so I am overwhelmed that I would have been so lavished with a little business security for atleast a little while.

The sun came out to play this week as well and has yet to go in for dinner. I am a self-made naturalist. I didnt grow up in east-bumble-Georgia. Even though I like to think the Marietta square where I grew up is a few steps behind the rest of the 'burbs - I wasnt running around outside all day playing in the dirt. Nonetheless, I am transformed by my surroundings. I love even my fescue grass that seems to be in the middle of puberty these days. I dont even mind a bug or two because I truly appreicate the God-given life that is all around us. Every single day this week the temperature in the morning is just cool enough to want to stay in bed but not so cold that I cant wear my perfectly worn Rainbows. Perfect. Each afternoon if the sun hasnt been shining brilliantly amid a clear sky then there has been the perfectly powerful mini-thunderstorm. In either scenario, I cant help but work diligently and check each thing off my list in order to rush home to take in the afternoon on my side porch. And just when I wake up and think there couldnt possibly =be more absolutely fabulous day - God gives me another.

The skeptical part of me wants to immediatly give thanks but then ask you to pinch me and tell me it is over. It's like my take on intense Georgia football moments between the hedges. Right in the middle of that 4th quarter play when there is 1:34 seconds on the clock and your team has just measled it's way ahead - I turn away from the field and cover my eyes and hope to sense from the crowsd response that it's over. It becomes hard for me to watch because I know the good has to end at some point. Maybe I should not be so skeptical especially when it comes to blessings. Often I do not thoroughly enjoy the blessing because I know that as soon as I start to allow it to effect me it'll be over. Yes, it's true - good things cant last forever and if they did they wouldnt be so good when they came around. That doesnt mean I can't soak up every ounce of abundant blessing that I might be receiving.

Too add to the pile - this week God has really used specific people in my life to speak truth and praise into my heart. It is amazing how sometimes all of your effort can go unnoticed by everyone. Then we try not to doubt ourselves but ultimately we all have that natural radar that starts sensing the lack or response or attention generated and ultimatly we lose sight of the purpose behind some of our greatest efforts. And then there are those weeks like this week where every hour in every instance God used you in some way to lavish me with verbal affirmation. From my lunch yesterday to my speaking engagement lastnight to the fabulous girls night out to the Braves game this week - I am so full! I'm not trying to be the party pooper to tell you your rosy glasses are broken but there is that realistic side of me that tells me that soon all my good-fortune or rather God's-favor will wear off. Why did He choose to give me an abundance right now? An abundance in everything? Why should I deserve to be so full?

It's like Andy Stanley has dsplayed in a sermon sometime recently. If I have two chocolate chip cookies and you have none and you like chocolate chip cookies I should give you a chocolate chip cookie. Elementary - yes. Practiced - rarely. I pray I am able to give you some of the abundance that God has given to me lately. And that may be the only reason for His abundance in the first place.

In the mean time....I would really like a chocolate chip cookie freshly baked, Pillsbury, pulled right out of the over at the 9 minute mark so they are perfectly crisp on the edges and perfectly gooey all the way through the middle. I'll share. Promise.
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P.S. I am escaping this weekend to the country.

Yes, my parents are in Europre for the next 10 days and I have free roam of their house in the woods.
So it is Marietta and it is only 25 miles away. It is the woods. There is a real grille there and a place to sit among the tall trees in the backyard and luckily I do not get cell phone service. The temperature is going to be in mid 70's and I have not one thing on the agenda tomorrow. I'll make my getaway in the morning. Ill hike for as long as I like at the mountain. Ill picnic. Ill wear as little clothes as possible and Ill run long baths. Ill leave the lights on wherever I go and Ill get lost in my book on the side porch. I will refuel this weekend. What perfect timing to be able to 'getaway' for a few days and pamper myself at my parents expense. Miss you mom and dad!

sweet indulgence

Kat and I are sitting on our side porch. The twinkle lights are sparkling dimly and the doors and side window are open. The odd bird in our backyard is attempting to be a part of the scenery as well. Ray Lamontagne beckons in the background and slowly and unsteadily the rain comes. I just ate my favorite - Chicken tortilla soup for lunch. Maybe it isnt truly cold enough to thoroughly enjoy the soup but it works. I am not sure what time it is. Kat isnt even acting like I am here. She is in her world on her couch and I am in mine.
My perfect afternoon is followed by an exquisite day in God's Country yesterday. We drove the backroads to Athens and what was deemed a gloomy day of football turned into a perfectly sunny afternoon. I ran into most of my favorite people including Charlsie and my brothers, Matt and Carter. I ate barbecue and enjoyed watching all the undergrads sport their newest Red and Black find. Despite the terrible display of football, the Dawgs pulled out the victory and honestly, the rush of adrenaline while clutching the win in the last 90 seconds of the game was a good rush to my body. I need more of that. To top it all off I dined at one of my favorite restaurants: Last Resort. I had black bean crepes, vidalia bacon dressing and fish in parchment - all of my all time favorites list. I was even treated to this dinner which makes it all the more tasty.
Why would I take anytime to tell you all the petty details of this weekend? It's the little things that make the big things all the much sweeter. It's squeezing every drop of goodness out of every detail of life. It's allowing all five of your senses to take part in the sweet indulgence of everyday life. It's truly stopping long enough and turning the phone off in order to truly be in the moment. Last weekend at the trip to Sharp Top Cove with my highschoolers, the theme among rolling hills and winding streams and a beautiful lake was to 'breathe.' I was surely able to sit and breathe and relax among that setting. I knew on the drive home though that it is never as easy to find tranquility - and I am not even talking silence but just overall tranquility - when you live 7 minutes from the heart of a bustling city and you are in your mid-twenties with a whole lot of 'you' and a whole lot of 'world' to discover. This week, though, I was able to. It was a crazy week at work no doubt but in a peculiar way - I didnt feel in control and I loved it. Then, this weekend where normally I pack something into every hour, I truly relinquished the pressure to be everywhere at once. I decided last weekend that I would try to be in one moment when I am there and only be in that moment. What a relief! How invigorating to fully engage in each thing and not jump from one thing to the next.
And now in this moment, it is time for a nap. The rain just started a little harder and there is nowhere else I would rather be.

Be intentional

What a sweet reunion! I feel no need to explain myself either.


I can barely type one word without my fingers exploding and then having to delete a whole bunch of jibberish. I have feared this very moment for nearly two weeks. If I were to return for any reason would I just purge and scare you all away? Maybe you are all away already and there is nothing more I can do. Nonetheless, to the faithful few - it'll come back to you one day. Really what God showed me among many lessons these last two weeks is that I really do not care who is on the other end of this. This is about Him. Starting like I ended - this is a love story about my love relationship with my Creator and that is it. I am thankful that I was given clarity and tangible signs of God's hand in my little past time - both things I didn't expect at all.

These two weeks were a whole chapter in itself. I am taking a class every Thursday night called Perspectives. This class has been life changing but not merely because of the teaching in itself but because of the timing as well along with other circumstances. For some reason, after 13 years of being a God follower and at times a very radical God-follower, I have literally just recently experienced some 'big picture' truths that I had thought I already knew. But to know something and to experience something are two very different things. I have known and believed for a long time that God loved me and pursued me. I could sing the song about it and I can tell you all about it. Recently, though, through baptism I have re-discovered or rather, discovered for the very first time, what it feels like to be intimately known and whole-heartedly pursued. I was weary of being baptized a few weeks ago. Several reasons but the most stifling of which revolves completely around that ugly thing called pride. I thought that I would need to prove to those that knew me that even though I was just being baptized - I really had believed all of the foundational truths I had preached for the 13 years prior. I was disgusted that I even worried what you thought but I coldn't help it. I guess I was judging myself the way I may have looked at someone else in my position. My whole perspective regarding this sacred step was flip-flopped that Sunday that I approached the beach as the sun was setting amid the faint sound of hymns being sung in the background. What if this really is a new beginning for you, Betsy? There is no reason to fear - I am bigger than anything you can imagine and your faith can be bigger. Your purpose can be bolder. Your zeal can be stronger. Isnt it funny how just when you think you have arrived - you realized you are only at Start. Just when you think you grasp how great and wide the Fathers love is He comes and rocks your face off and you stand speechless at a God that truly is bigger than anything we can conceive. Nonetheless, I felt as though I were walking down the aisle to be married forever to someone who knew me inside and out. How had it taken me so long to realize that baptism was merely a sign of identity??? Was I truly only ready to take this step a few weeks ago? The answer is yes. In an odd way I know with 100% certainty that the timing was divine. God brought my heart to the exact place it needed to be to be able to fully take the next step. WOW!!! I decided on that day to be intentional about my faith. It is not a bebe gun that you just fire and hope that you hit something. God has called us to be intentional with His message.

Not just with the message of good news though but with my time and my money and my energy and my conversations and my interactions with strangers and my ambitions and my goals. As Andy Stanley often says, the opposite of being lost isnt being found - it is just knowing where you are....You gotta know where you are to know how to get to where you wanna go. AMEN!!! Why before was I unable to apply this to my life? Why did I think it wasnt for me???

So whether it is blogging for you or having a conversation with your coworker as you walk to lunch - be intentional. Do everything with purpose and nothing haphazerdly. Jesus did not walk on this earth to see what He might bump into. He walked with purpose and He took each step fulfilling more and more of that purpose. If only we could learn to truly emaulate our Crator???

Keeping in stride, I have recognized overwhelmingly my purpose in sharing any thought with you over the w-w-w. I know that this purpose will be met whether or not I ever know it. "it is fine to be zealous, provided the purpose is good, and to be so always and not just when I am with you." (Galatians 4:18)

Inhaleeee........exhaleeeee........It feels so so good to be back. It feels even better to be back with purpose.

There will be an encore.

For the three of you that stil read - Stay tuned.

In the meantime, this has been life changing...check it out...

www.perspectives.org

Eulogy. The End.

Wow. This really is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I knew the time was coming near. I knew we didn't have much more time to spend together and I knew I would have to say goodbye. I have been gearing myself up for this for a few months now but the time has come. All week long I have had so many ideas racing through my mind as to how to thoroughly and accurately celebrate and memorialize somebody you truly love so much. I could just end with funny stories and highlights and try to laugh my way out as I think humor is the best form of therapy you can find. I even considered an abrupt ending that would just merely state "THE END. GOODBYE." I didn't think that was fair to the friends and family though. Yesterday, I concluded that the easiest way to do that which hurts so bad to do would just be to fizzle out. You know, like a fake death...TuPac style....no real goodbye or anything just silence. I went to bed last night knowing that today would be in fact one of the hardest days I would face but I knew on the flipside there would be peace. As Celine often reminds me "A new day has come."


More than 2 years ago I brought my passion for writing coupled with my inability to accurately express myself verbally because of my tendency to think 4 thoughts at one time and somehow have them mesh together all the while trying to keep in mind the bigger picture (which to my mother leads to over-analyzation. Me? Never.)Mama was the only fan for awhile and I was okay with that. My mama has always been and will always be my biggest cheerleader whether it involves me running naked through the streets (never have I ever. Yet.) or organizing a benefit to solve world peace. Needless, I wrote. My mom read. She commented. I continued to write. She'd cry or laugh and on occasion comment on the beauty of God that she saw in the blog. Then, whether you know it or not the purpose became strictly ministry related. For some reason you people....and I don't even know who you are but I have kept up with the anonymous comments and responsive emails...you people continued to read whether it was about deodorant or relationships or embarrassing mishaps or some form of emotional turmoil. Really, what this says is that we are all the same. So maybe I express a little more freely and publicly what you are feeling but typically we all feel it whatever it is...To me it is a desire for connection. Though sometimes we like to think that our lives are different than those around us and that no one else could relate to us really, we are all the same. We all have a deep desire to be a part of something bigger than who we are and we all want to be valued.
The bottom line...here it goes...the bottom line is that we are part of a big story. What a joy it has been to walk with you over the last few years and day by day, drama by drama, emotion by emotion and from let downs to triumphs to successes and challenges, realize that I am not the main character in this story. My life is not about me. I thank God every single day I wake up that at such a young age He has made this clear to me. I could not fathom waking up in the morning, going to work, making some money, eating dinner, going on vacations, calling mom on her birthday, and then going to bed at night and not knowing all the while that I was in the middle of a story and I was but a fraction of the story. I was created for one reason only and everything.....everything else in my life all has to do with this one purpose: to glorify God. I was created solely to make His name famous. It's not about religion and it's not about rules. It is about recognizing that everything I do, say, think, feel, act, organize, plan, touch, taste, manage, own, build, create, repeat, initiate, write and am a part of, is for the Glory of God. That is it.
You have experienced many good days with me and several days where you probably read the daily post and wondered if the black whole I was existing in would just swallow me up or if I'd ever find a light in the darkness. My dad has always said that I, like my precious brother, are too emotional and not level headed. Here's the deal - he is so right. My soul wants to sing of the uncontainable joy that I have found by realizing that I am an integral part in God's story - the story of His Glory. I am also human and many days my frailty shows as my own mortality overshadows that innate joy that is within. And this is tragic.
Fortunately and only by grace, redemption can be found even daily and hourly as I continue to mess up.
So, yes, occasionally 2-5: My Year to Thrive, formerly known as 2005: My Year to Thrive brought a little humor to situations that might not be too humorous to the average self-conscious person. I definitely didn't hold back too much - that's for sure. But really, I hope the theme of my heart.....the thing that is with me at all times and the only thing on this side of heaven that will never never fail me - has been obvious through this little journey. You and I were made to worship something and you may spend your whole life worshipping yourself or your accomplishments or your relationship or your marriage or your kids or your security or your extremely good looks (ha).....you may not even know that you are worshipping these things but it is apparent in the way you and I embrace every single circumstance in life. I am 25.5 years old. I do not have alot to offer you. I can't do anything too extraordinary. I am really not an expert in anything nor can you really look at me as someone who has always had it together or someone to aspire to (dont get me wrong - I love myself because Christ loved me first and I have gifts that I know are being used) but I have found (like so many of you) the only thing in this world that will truly bring you joy in all cicumstances. The thing that will give you peace beyond understanding. The thing that will wake you up in the morning and cause you to want to dance! The only thing or person who will truly never fail you. And I have found this freely. And it blows me away daily that no matter how old we are and no matter what life has looked like before and no matter how much damage has been done you and I can have this inner-uncontainable-indescibable-incomparable-unfathomable joy that only comes from Christ. Only.

Thank you for allowing me to vent to you on a daily and sometimes hourly basis. Had you asked me a few years ago what "thriving" actually looked like I would have had a very certain picture. Yes, it would have included God and the bigger story but it also would have included 117 lbs and a trip to Europe and friends to fill a coliseum and a corner office and a significant other I am sure. Thank you and thank you God for allowing me to realize through my meaningless ramblings that I was destined to thrive before I was even on this earth. Because we are created to do one thing only and that is to bring glory and honor and praise and excitement and fame to our Creator - there is no way to not thrive. It just takes me stepping back to see that this really isn't a story or a blog about me and my life but I am so grateful to have realized that so early and I am humbled to know that I have a role in the story even though I may never know exactly what role I played.

If I find in my hear a desire in which nothing in this world can satisfy; the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. -CS Lewis

I would rather be what God chose to make me than the most glorious creature that I could think of; for to have been thought about, born in God's thought, and then made by God, is the dearest, grandest, and most precious thing in all thinking. -George MacDonald

The fat lady is singing. Ciao bella for now.
Comments welcomed and appreciated.
Tear. Really. (I can't hit Publish Post. This really is hard y'all)

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